Words From The Heart

I grew up in a time when there was a divorce you had to pick a side. There wasn't healthy co parenting or telling the world they really tried. The families fought and put each other down. It was this standard that made me promise I would never get a divorce. There wasn't anything that couldn't be worked through or solved. That divorce was because you gave up and didn't push to make it.

When I decided to divorce, it wasn't because we couldn't work things out. I was sick of trying and I didn't want to put any more effort into it. I felt guilt because I swore I would never take this route. Even after he changed and wanted to show me we could make it last. I had no desire. I wanted something fresh and new. To be with someone that had the same interests as me. Someone that made love easy.

To this day, I believe love is easy. There are so many things in life that are hard and filled with discontent. Love shouldn't be one of them. I think as we grow older, we want to rush in. Just to feel the pink could of emotion and not be out there alone. I think we either look past the things we normally wouldn't tolerate for the buzz of fresh love, then to admit, maybe this person isn't the one.

I am not upset by my path of dating and falling for those I have. Each one has taught me a life lesson. A new chapter and a new start. Although, with each ending it hurts my heart. No one likes a break up or the turmoil that usually follows. Its hard to know the person you used to think was your everything is now just another enemy trying to find ways to bring you down. 

Today, I experienced the wrath from my ending on a whole new level. This person went out of their way to attempt to get me in trouble at my job. A job that is new, and even though it can be frustrating at times, I am happy doing what I do. I enjoy the people I work with and the laughs that transpire during the day. I know without a doubt that they are true to me and have my back. We are more than just co workers - we are family!

So how can someone that I used to love with all of me and did everything in my power to give them a happy life. Suddenly want to destroy me? I felt so stupid and embarrassed that my ending was spilling into my now. I wanted to seek revenge and hurt him on every level. I wanted to take his secrets and dark corners and reveal them to the world. I wanted him to hurt just as I was hurting. I wanted to have the upper hand and show him he had messed with the wrong girl.

I went for a drive and blared my heart break country songs. I suddenly didn't feel hate or wanting to seek revenge. I actually felt bad for the man that I once had deeply loved. I thought how sad that he could turn off his heart and not blink an eye. He would go out of his way to try and destroy me. I didn't fully understand why.

I know I am far from perfect but I truly want to know that everything I do in this life is out of love and respect. That I don't discount someone or bring them down with my feelings or actions. I don't have the right to hurt someone because I am angry or want to see them feel bad about who they are. I know that life is not this simple. It takes a lot of work to ensure I keep my head and heart on this path.

I am certain that I have many more mountains to climb and my heart will be tested time and time again. This will not sway me in believing that love wins in the end.

You see, I have eyes watching my actions and listening to my words. They come to me for advice and are eager to win. The problem is, that when it comes to the heart and all they ways we feel. When there is an ending, there is no winner. There is only hurt, and confusion as to why it didn't work out they way we saw it all in our mind. There are sleepless nights and days of not focusing as we move forward into a new chapter. A new life.

I guess with all my rambling, my point I am trying to say is that we all get this one life... we get to wake up and decide what that looks like. We cant control others, how they feel, or how they react. We cant force people to fit into our stories or fast forward past the parts we just want to leave out.

What we can control is our mind and how we react to each event. To think before speaking, to take time away to vent. To not hurt someone just because we can. It takes a big person to keep the secrets and truths that were shared in moments of trust. It takes strength and courage to be the one to keep your word and walk away with your head held high. To know that just because you have the power to destroy someone, doesn't mean you should try.

I am Crystal Rae and I was faced with another harsh lesson today. Your words can have deep meaning when it comes to someone's heart. Your words can also have a dark meaning that can tear someone's world apart!.

So mind your words and speak from your heart... Tomorrows a new day and another fresh start!



















\

Family Pictures

Do you remember that day, the one when your life was completely changed? For the good? For the bad? Do you remember spending time with a loved one or close friend and not realizing how little time you had left with that person? I was going through my pictures tonight and I was overcome with emotions of sadness, happiness, and awareness. Its crazy how in a moment you don't see the entire picture. Tonight, I saw a family picture with my grandma, my grandpa and my brothers. My grandpa rarely had pictures of him smiling... This picture was no different, except he had a grin. A grin I hadn't noticed before. It suddenly made me miss him so much. I started to think of our last moments. The laughs, the way he spoke to my grandma in the mornings while trying to do his word scrambles, the nicknames and how he would snap his fingers while saying some saying that made no sense.

I also remember the disappointment when he realized I was still heavily drinking. He didn't yell at me - he didn't say anything other than I should leave if I couldn't stop. That he despised drunks. Later after his health quickly went down hill, I sat sharing a fruit smoothie with him. He was so thankful that I had brought him one. He could barely drink it and he was itching his arms and neck. He was in such misery. I wanted to say I was sorry for disappointing him and tell him that it was his look and words that changed me. That made me suddenly want to do and be better by him. Instead, we sat in silence.

I now wish I had said more.

I am certain my grief and sorrow for my grandpa being gone will take years to process. I didn't realize how much he did for my children and I until he couldn't and finally was no longer here.

Life is short, we all know that. We only get this one life to live and be who we want. You can choose what your story looks like.

My grandpa may never know what an impact he had on my life... I never told him!

I am certain I will have more moments in life where I wished I had said more or done differently. That is all part of growing and learning what your core is all about. Tonight, I cry in silence for what I have learned, what I have experienced and for what I took for granted.

There will come a day when my children and grandchild are left with a picture of me that brings a smile and tears to their eyes. They will have the same moment I had tonight. Until that day, I promise to show them love, respect and pride. It takes a strong person to say their truths out loud knowing that just invites judgement. It allows others to say and do what hurts most.

I am afraid of so much in this world. Telling my children how much they mean is not one of them. I may have not followed the right path but I am here now. I am more me than I have ever been.

I am Crystal Rae and once again I had a rough day. I am fully aware of my surroundings and the life I want to live. I am not hiding in the darkness or letting my fears win. I am focused on dancing, laughing and sharing life moments with those that matter the most to me. Everything and everyone else... well, they are just a part of my history!

"Say what you mean for those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"

Monster's Under My Bed

I love to write and express my emotions on paper. It's so much easier to say what you want to let the world know, when the words have no sounds. When there is no audience to judge. As I sit here today, I once again am aware of my issues, my need to run and my addictions. I have worked so hard to be better than the image of me before. Each time I question why I do what I do? Each time I have the same answer... Its who you are! The choices I made and environment I allowed myself to be in created the monsters inside of me. The more I research, the more I read, the more I understand... I am not normal. I am not ideal based on what society has set as standards. I know I am different. I know I am not like any other woman. I know my crazy moments and my insane overthinking are all the qualities that set me above the rest. I am honest and I am trying to be the best me! I also know that I cant put my progress and achievements in the worlds eyes. I know how far I have come and I know how hard I worked to get where I am today. I don't sit and drown in vodka, nor do I seek false pleasures from other aspects. I work, I clean, I plan family nights two days a week that set my heart and mind on fire. I am loving having a house filled with dancing, laughter, and the sound of my grandson wanting "nana"! Not something that would have happened a year or so ago. The people that walk through my door truly want to be here and look forward to hang time. Those are the moments that I am so proud of myself for the work and effort I have put into MYSELF!

Initially, I was told I was selfish for withdrawing myself. I was told that I would end up alone for not caring anymore. I have a heart of gold! There is nothing that would ever change that! I think of everyone else before myself, always! I am sure I always will. I just don't have to go out of my way to help others when its my heart and soul that needs saving! I don't say that statement as a victim or a need to make other feel sorry for me. I say that with an awareness that I have neglected myself  for so long! I have put my fears, my thoughts, my pain, and my strengths on the back burner for as long as I can remember. I cant change my past... nor can I change the way my brain and body deals with stress. I cant help my need to run. I cant help my need to shut everyone out! Its safe. Its easy and I don't have to deal with anything. I was molested as a very young child and then I was taken advantage of by two boys at 16. I was certain my bad choices are what lead to my situation.  I missed out on a calling to model in New York, I did not believe I was worthy of a good life or feeling happy. I could list a dozen more moments that would make you cringe. One moment after another all throughout my life! I have been used and abused on every level. Each moment left me looking at my reflection in the mirror wishing today was my last. I was bullied as young child and I prayed so hard to be smart and beautiful. Now, I pray to be seen and heard for who I am. Not what I look like or what I say. I am so much more than that. I know as a person I am not ideal from a normal persons view. I have taken so many punches, so many heartbreaks and so many stomach kicks. Each time I am screwed over or stolen from. The bad part is that I don't even flinch anymore.

So lets fast forward... I met a man that would take a bullet for me. The problem is I don't believe I am worthy of his affection, so I run! I run and avoid any conflict, any chance at getting to know each other with disagreements. I push him away any chance I get. Its the way I feel safe. Its the way I control not having to be vulnerable or feeling stupid! I know me and I know the minute I feel something I don't want to.... I RUN!

Its not a feel good when I have the awareness of how it hurts everyone around me. I cant help it and I wish I could. I wish I could stop myself or do something different. I have to come to terms with it is who I am. I have shut out so many dear family members  and friendships due to my need to run. Its safe, its easy and it doesn't require me to say or deal with anything I don't want to. 

I don't have to feel, be, see, hear, or speak of anything that makes me feel bad. Well, that is not life nor is that how it should work! Its a cowards way. It says, I don't have to face what scares most and that is not how life works. What scares us most is what drives us. I am avoiding my drive.

I will never understand why some people have it worse than others. I will never understand why some fall in love at 16 years old and have happily ever after. While some others go through relationship after relationship never finding the one they can keep. I am fully aware of my darkness and what I need to do to. I also am aware that after spending years hiding in my room, I have made huge strides. I keep my raw emotions to myself. I don't want to let anyone have power over me.

So scary that my situational moments have made me seem hard, cold, unloving! Let me ask you... what would you have done? How would you have acted to keep your monsters at bay and yet still letting the world thinking you were just fine! haha...  I honestly cant remember the last time I felt... just fine! I have felt stupid, insecure, used, unappreciated, too soft, too hard, etc! I know I am my own worst enemy and I know... the only way I am going to make it in this world is to be honest! My word, my actions are all I have. I cant control if someone believes me or not but I can control what I am out in this world doing.

I am sorry for lost friendships and lost connections with family members that meant the most to me. I wish they understood. I wish the word understood. I wish people were never put in a position of having to develop ways to protect their heart, body and mind. I wish icky people didn't hurt good people. I wish those that worked the hardest didn't have to make the world believe they are good people.

Each time these moments happen, I learn something new. I see that my protection mode hurts others and I see that I can only expect from other what I am willing to give. Why would anyone give me their heart and put me first when I am waiting to run??

So, here I am again... alone, left to face the monsters under my bed! The one thing that used to comfort me now scares me. I now see who I have pushed away. I now see that the easy road has left me lonely.

Starting now, I am no longer running from what scares me. I am facing it head on! I am tired of being something different, I am tired of having to explain why I do what I do. I am sick of being told I do things different.

I am Crystal Rae, I am scared, I am hurt, and I am afraid of letting the world truly see me. I am also tired of losing those that matter so much to me. So go forward, despite the cost.. I am giving all of me to this world without overthinking the cost. This isn't going to heal the past or give the future any reason to believe otherwise, but it sure forces me to be in the present and to stand tall.

What is the worst thing that could happen?? I actually have someone to catch me when I fall?

Let Go Laughing

This has been a rough week of reflection for me. Thinking of all the ways I have let people I love down as well as all the ways I could have done and been better. The problem with this is that I am wasting my future minutes reflecting and feeling bad about moments I cant change. I am learning that it is perfectly ok to walk away from someone you love in order to once again find yourself.

Often times its the outside voices that confuse our thoughts and our direction. For me my mind became cloudy over hearing what everyone else had to say about my direction, my life, my way. I set on a mission to truly make this my year. To cut everything from my life that felt toxic and added no value. For the most part, that has happened. There were still moments I was hanging on to. Hoping my mind was wrong and my heart was right. They say that if something feels off it truly is. To listen to that feeling. I have taken steps to start listening more and feeling less. Although, this transition period has me feeling lonely, it has also started to open my eyes to who I am and what I want to be.

Its so easy to get caught up in the what if's and why's vs. just taking in the moments. The breathing, the seeing, the being. Today I had so many moments of laughing. Laughing about me, about silly mistakes and my sense of humor. It felt great to have that ache in my cheeks and belly again. Its been so long since I let myself feel happy. I have been hiding behind this wall of fear. Afraid to just be... me!

Life can be so scary. Its hard to think of a future that may not be about anything other than me. My children are quickly growing up and moving on. Sharing less and less time and conversations with me. This alone is hard to adjust to. Hard to think they don't need me anymore. I look forward to the moments I get with them. Something that was a daily thing that I took for granted. Now those moments are cherished.

I went from spending years hiding in my bedroom to venturing out and eating dinner by myself. Not being afraid to dress in my Steelers colors and go watch the game without anyone by my side. You know what? I actually had fun. Who knew?

I have reached a point that I finally understand that my life was done completely backwards. From having children at a young age, marriage, divorce and trying to force a happily ever after that wasn't meant for me. I don't have to feel bad that my life looks and feels different than most. I don't have to wonder what's next or if everything will work out. It always has been working out. Every person, and every situation has taught me something. Either on what I don't want from life or what I do want and what I need to do to get there.

I also know there have been people on my life path that I have hurt. That I betrayed or wasn't there the way they were for me. I know along this path I have left behind some good hearts. I think of them often and pray daily that they know it wasn't them. I just wasn't at a point in life to love them the way they deserved to be. I hope as time as gone on they don't carry resentment or anger for the time we shared. This is family, friends, lovers... anyone who's heart I didn't treat right. Just as I have forgiven and let go of those that have hurt my heart.

Today, if nothing else, was a reminder laughter is truly the best medicine. That being fearful or angry does nothing but steal time away. Not every moment is funny but in every moment you can try to find the good, the positive, the lesson of learning to be.

I decided 7 years ago that I would "let go laughing" and that is exactly where I need to remind myself to be. To be mindful of those around me and pray for those that aren't. To walk with my head held high and do my best to continue to understand who I am and what I want from this thing called life.

At the end of the day it isn't going to matter what size of jeans I wear, or how many hours I work, or even what tasks I crossed off my list. What matters is how I made those around me feel. How I made myself feel.

I am Crystal Rae, perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, stubborn, crazy, epic me! I may not always have everything together. I may not always have the right answers but today I have my laughter and my smile. I have a focus on my future and living in the moment each day. Being mindful and caring of those around me but also not losing myself along the way.

Well, Everything But Love

Forgive me tonight, as I am built up with so much emotion. My only outlet is writing and I know I'm going to burst. I recently experienced the death of my grandpa as well as buying my first home. You would think these wouldn't go hand in hand, except, here I am without my grandpa to call and give me a advice. To help me with the electrical, my car, the water, etc. It goes on and on. I miss that man.

I realized in these past few weeks who I can trust with my heart and who I cant. Sadly, those I am cutting ties with meant the most to me in the past. Those I thought would always be there for me. Turns out I was wrong. At the end of the day what they wanted or needed was all. I know I wasn't always perfect but I know I always gave my heart. From the beginning, right from the start.

Its funny how our life perspective can change so quickly. How what we thought mattered in a moment no longer does. My mother told me she would be proud of me the day I gave her reason to be proud of something. This blows my mind as I was proud of my children the day they were born. Yes, they might have done things to disappoint me, or wish they had stronger self esteem but nothing to every make me feel less proud of them. They are all parts of me, from me. What is not to be proud of? I don't say this to dwell on the past but to explain how my wall are built and how I have such high expectations of myself. If I fail on any level I am automatically disappointed in me. I should have, could have, would have... its all BS. I should love me for me. Perfectly imperfect, hot mess, inpatient, me. I love with all my heart and I give with all I have. There is no shame in that. I would love to find a healthy balance where I wasn't working so many hours but that is all part of my learning process.

I have always given my heart to the wrong people at the wrong time. Its time I start giving it all to me. To love and learn and pour all my affection into me. I have always put everyone else first and as of tonight that stops. I am worthy of so much more. I am Crystal Rae and I am so proud of me today!

In a Heartbeat

When I fall in love, I always jump head over heels. I give all of me with out fear. Falling in love is such a great feeling. Like floating on a pink cloud. The sun seems brighter, the sky is a vibrant blue and every song on the radio sings of love and bliss. The heart is such an amazing organ. It gives us life and breathes to our soul. It makes up who we are and how we care for others. Falling for someone and knowing the feelings are mutual is the reason birds sing. Its our nature to be drawn to another human being and long for them to be ours. After all, its how we are taught life is to be. Growing old with your best friend.

I once was told the loudest sound in the world is a heart breaking. When the heart experiences emotions of the unfavorable aspect - it is crushed. The worlds colors seem plain and all the songs on the radio are that of sorrow and demise. Its crazy how the heart not only can change our pulse but our vision. You can stare at someone that used to mean the world to you and in an instant they look, sound and feel different. The bond that tied you and kept you floating is now gone.

Time, space and sound is now quiet and empty.

Then comes a day you hear the birds sing once again but this time you don't just hear them, you watch their movement and take in the colors of their wings. You start to see. The songs on the radio no longer cause pause regardless of the words being sang. You find yourself dancing to the beat at a red light. You walk through the store and no longer feel jealous of couples laughing and walking hand in hand. You begin to check out shirts in your size from the spring collection. You have a moment where life becomes about you and no longer about the goal of finding your soul mate.

Today, was that day for me. It was all different. It wasn't a constant thought on who I want to be or who I wish I was with. It was a day of just being me. Just doing the daily tasks required from an adult world and laughter in between. It was catching up with friends and sharing my latest stories.

I never thought I would be a person who was content walking through life alone. It always caused me fear thinking I would never find Mr. right but today was very different. Today, regardless of all the drama and years of attachment... there was silence in my heart. It was beating as it should for the purpose of keeping me alive.

As I continue down this path called life... I will remember my heart and how it feels to love and be loved. I will also remember todays silence and how it felt fine. I will continue to work on being a better me for me. I will take in the sun, the sky and the birds each day. Just to keep reminding myself that I am really ok.

I am Crystal Rae... perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, stubborn and now you can add patient to the list. I have a heart of gold and for that I will always be blessed. Its just now time to let my brain do the driving at let the emotions of my heart rest.

With A Cold Heart

If someone would have told me I would be 38 years old typing on my laptop in a room at my grandparents house, kids almost grown, my dog passed away, no car, and working in a heavy duty truck salvage yard.. I would have never believed it. Up until today, I have believed I was jinxed and that I always got the raw end of the deal.

I see now, clearer than ever before that every decision and every path I have gone down has been based on the decisions I have made. I know most of you are in shock as that is a typical adult thing to know. My problem is I have also focused on the image in my head society has told me the way things should be. I now understand that I have experienced so many downs in my life that I am afraid of the ups. I am always waiting for something to go wrong and when things don't, I have to run or end things to ensure I am protected from something that might happen years down the road. I don't blame myself for this. I think people deal differently and my way of dealing or not dealing could be much worse. In fact, I am happy I am now fully aware of this about myself. It helps me to grow and look for patterns to better understand myself. The part I am not happy about is that this protection mode has hurt many in my path. Most that don't understand or deserve the unnecessary drama.

I always thought I had to have someone by my side for the future. I see now that I will never have someone who adores me if I don't set the standard high enough to allow that... as well as love myself first. Happiness has got to come from within me before I will ever be compatible to ever possibly marry again. I am sad that it has taken me so many years to value me. Flaws and all. I have always put everyone else before myself and I no longer am. I am going to speak what is on my mind and try and get through life with a smile on my face. I may not have good days every day but not every day has to be bad. I always feared growing old alone. Although, something I would prefer to not have to experience, today I am good with it. If my heart and soul is so jaded that I am unable of trusting enough to give my all... why would I continue to try and hurt those in my path? Why would I put myself in situations to love someone if I am not yet capable of loving myself?

I know before I said no more lists but as of tonight I have a new list... This time not all the things I want to find in a partner but all the things I want to see, do and accomplish in my life. A list that doesn't require feedback from family, friends, etc. A list that is mine to own and feel good about.

Life doesn't always lead us down a path we expect. Life is always throwing curve balls... I have just decided that as I learn myself and what I truly want out of life.. I am not allowing outside voices to halt my growth.

Some will say I am cold hearted and have no compassion... others will say... do you! I say, I am tired of listening to what everyone has to say about me and I am giving my all to me... for once. When my day on this earth is done - you wont hear what my heart and mind felt. The things I heard and seen... You will hear all the reasons why I didn't blend with society. I'm good with that

So here's to another tomorrow and another path on my own. My heart may be cold and my mind may push everyone away... but tomorrow... I look in the mirror and do things my way!

No more being driven by what everyone else has to say...

I am perfectly imperfect, stubborn, simple, hot mess Crystal Rae and now I am learning to love myself each and every day!

It's Been Awhile

Tonight, while driving my daughter and her son home... it occurred to me how distant we have become. A child I cared for so many years had nothing to say to me on the drive home. I wanted her to know how much I have missed her. How much I long for the relationship we once had. She is a strong woman and her son loves her dearly... but I miss the days of caring for her needs and wants. This made me realize the relationship I once had with my own mother. In a day 2-3 phone conversations was a normal. As time went on, I sought to find myself and in that path... I left so many behind. I didn't do so to hurt others. I did so to protect myself. I don't think I ever thought of my path as selfish, but tonight it feels that way. My kids cant help my marriage ended or the struggles I would face as a single mom. I always thought I did the best I could but tonight I feel like I could have done better. As parents, we do not get time for a break or for a break down at that matter. We are to do our jobs day in and day out regardless. I didn't focus on the regardless... I focused on myself. I really thought in the moment I was doing best for my children, but I see much differently now.

As I sit here living in my grandparents home and dealing with real life live or die conversations, I realize how much more I wish I did. I am proud of my children for who they are all that they have become. As they do there thing and "grow up" I miss them dearly. I miss having to dress them and care for them on so many levels.. I only hope I taught them right from wrong, compassion and respect. I hope regardless of the path I was on that they know I love them with all my heart. I also hope with this mind set that I can see what pain I must have caused my family members by going on my own. We often think we are doing best for others by not being selfish but forget what a void feels like. Even if we may not agree with the decisions others have made, we have to know the human spirit needs people. People who have judged us, walked on us and also been there when others haven't. Life isn't perfect and neither are people... but the minute we close the doors to those we love the most... is the day we hurt others without knowing. I know... I miss my children on so many levels. Even though I see most of them every day... its a different level. I am their mom but I am no longer the mom. They don't need me to make life decisions or tell them what to wear. In fact,  I am sure they would wear the opposite of what I told them.

If I could do this all over I would - As I am sure most of us would. I know in my heart I gave my all... whatever depression capacity allowed me. I know that at the end of the day I would do for my kids before myself...

I write this message to say... love with all of you... every day. Don't be let down by judgement or ill feelings of yourself. Forgive but don't forget. Let life remind you of your struggles and strengths. I have been through so much the last few years. It makes you realize what is important and what isn't. I thought I could wait for my kids to grow up and see what I have dealt with... now I wish they weren't older and still naïve to the world. Adulting is so overrated.

So, my children if you are reading this... I love you with all my heart! I'm truly sorry for they things that didn't go right but am so glad you were all by my side as a family when it didn't.  I truly hope I gave you enough to be you and follow the rules of the world. Yet, also courage to take it by storm. You are only limited by your mind. Dream big! To my family if you are reading this... I am sorry I went distant. Sometimes we have to go dark to better Its so easy to judge and make life decisions from the corner. Its hard to know at the end of the day that those decisions were wrong.

If I could do it all over again... I would still love with all of my being and believe in happily ever after. I would still cry at movies and blush with jokes. I would still recall childhood memories

So, I'm Crystal Rae, Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... me... miss all those that used to be important to me. Tomorrow's a new day... and I'm already set to start making calls that don't mean much yet. In time they will and reconnections are a must. Life is too short to let it all fade to dust!

LOVE with all of you... today and tomorrow. Life is too short to be filled with any sorrow..