I love to write and express my emotions on paper. It's so much easier to say what you want to let the world know, when the words have no sounds. When there is no audience to judge. As I sit here today, I once again am aware of my issues, my need to run and my addictions. I have worked so hard to be better than the image of me before. Each time I question why I do what I do? Each time I have the same answer... Its who you are! The choices I made and environment I allowed myself to be in created the monsters inside of me. The more I research, the more I read, the more I understand... I am not normal. I am not ideal based on what society has set as standards. I know I am different. I know I am not like any other woman. I know my crazy moments and my insane overthinking are all the qualities that set me above the rest. I am honest and I am trying to be the best me! I also know that I cant put my progress and achievements in the worlds eyes. I know how far I have come and I know how hard I worked to get where I am today. I don't sit and drown in vodka, nor do I seek false pleasures from other aspects. I work, I clean, I plan family nights two days a week that set my heart and mind on fire. I am loving having a house filled with dancing, laughter, and the sound of my grandson wanting "nana"! Not something that would have happened a year or so ago. The people that walk through my door truly want to be here and look forward to hang time. Those are the moments that I am so proud of myself for the work and effort I have put into MYSELF!
Initially, I was told I was selfish for withdrawing myself. I was told that I would end up alone for not caring anymore. I have a heart of gold! There is nothing that would ever change that! I think of everyone else before myself, always! I am sure I always will. I just don't have to go out of my way to help others when its my heart and soul that needs saving! I don't say that statement as a victim or a need to make other feel sorry for me. I say that with an awareness that I have neglected myself for so long! I have put my fears, my thoughts, my pain, and my strengths on the back burner for as long as I can remember. I cant change my past... nor can I change the way my brain and body deals with stress. I cant help my need to run. I cant help my need to shut everyone out! Its safe. Its easy and I don't have to deal with anything. I was molested as a very young child and then I was taken advantage of by two boys at 16. I was certain my bad choices are what lead to my situation. I missed out on a calling to model in New York, I did not believe I was worthy of a good life or feeling happy. I could list a dozen more moments that would make you cringe. One moment after another all throughout my life! I have been used and abused on every level. Each moment left me looking at my reflection in the mirror wishing today was my last. I was bullied as young child and I prayed so hard to be smart and beautiful. Now, I pray to be seen and heard for who I am. Not what I look like or what I say. I am so much more than that. I know as a person I am not ideal from a normal persons view. I have taken so many punches, so many heartbreaks and so many stomach kicks. Each time I am screwed over or stolen from. The bad part is that I don't even flinch anymore.
So lets fast forward... I met a man that would take a bullet for me. The problem is I don't believe I am worthy of his affection, so I run! I run and avoid any conflict, any chance at getting to know each other with disagreements. I push him away any chance I get. Its the way I feel safe. Its the way I control not having to be vulnerable or feeling stupid! I know me and I know the minute I feel something I don't want to.... I RUN!
Its not a feel good when I have the awareness of how it hurts everyone around me. I cant help it and I wish I could. I wish I could stop myself or do something different. I have to come to terms with it is who I am. I have shut out so many dear family members and friendships due to my need to run. Its safe, its easy and it doesn't require me to say or deal with anything I don't want to.
I don't have to feel, be, see, hear, or speak of anything that makes me feel bad. Well, that is not life nor is that how it should work! Its a cowards way. It says, I don't have to face what scares most and that is not how life works. What scares us most is what drives us. I am avoiding my drive.
I will never understand why some people have it worse than others. I will never understand why some fall in love at 16 years old and have happily ever after. While some others go through relationship after relationship never finding the one they can keep. I am fully aware of my darkness and what I need to do to. I also am aware that after spending years hiding in my room, I have made huge strides. I keep my raw emotions to myself. I don't want to let anyone have power over me.
So scary that my situational moments have made me seem hard, cold, unloving! Let me ask you... what would you have done? How would you have acted to keep your monsters at bay and yet still letting the world thinking you were just fine! haha... I honestly cant remember the last time I felt... just fine! I have felt stupid, insecure, used, unappreciated, too soft, too hard, etc! I know I am my own worst enemy and I know... the only way I am going to make it in this world is to be honest! My word, my actions are all I have. I cant control if someone believes me or not but I can control what I am out in this world doing.
I am sorry for lost friendships and lost connections with family members that meant the most to me. I wish they understood. I wish the word understood. I wish people were never put in a position of having to develop ways to protect their heart, body and mind. I wish icky people didn't hurt good people. I wish those that worked the hardest didn't have to make the world believe they are good people.
Each time these moments happen, I learn something new. I see that my protection mode hurts others and I see that I can only expect from other what I am willing to give. Why would anyone give me their heart and put me first when I am waiting to run??
So, here I am again... alone, left to face the monsters under my bed! The one thing that used to comfort me now scares me. I now see who I have pushed away. I now see that the easy road has left me lonely.
Starting now, I am no longer running from what scares me. I am facing it head on! I am tired of being something different, I am tired of having to explain why I do what I do. I am sick of being told I do things different.
I am Crystal Rae, I am scared, I am hurt, and I am afraid of letting the world truly see me. I am also tired of losing those that matter so much to me. So go forward, despite the cost.. I am giving all of me to this world without overthinking the cost. This isn't going to heal the past or give the future any reason to believe otherwise, but it sure forces me to be in the present and to stand tall.
What is the worst thing that could happen?? I actually have someone to catch me when I fall?
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