Family Pictures

Do you remember that day, the one when your life was completely changed? For the good? For the bad? Do you remember spending time with a loved one or close friend and not realizing how little time you had left with that person? I was going through my pictures tonight and I was overcome with emotions of sadness, happiness, and awareness. Its crazy how in a moment you don't see the entire picture. Tonight, I saw a family picture with my grandma, my grandpa and my brothers. My grandpa rarely had pictures of him smiling... This picture was no different, except he had a grin. A grin I hadn't noticed before. It suddenly made me miss him so much. I started to think of our last moments. The laughs, the way he spoke to my grandma in the mornings while trying to do his word scrambles, the nicknames and how he would snap his fingers while saying some saying that made no sense.

I also remember the disappointment when he realized I was still heavily drinking. He didn't yell at me - he didn't say anything other than I should leave if I couldn't stop. That he despised drunks. Later after his health quickly went down hill, I sat sharing a fruit smoothie with him. He was so thankful that I had brought him one. He could barely drink it and he was itching his arms and neck. He was in such misery. I wanted to say I was sorry for disappointing him and tell him that it was his look and words that changed me. That made me suddenly want to do and be better by him. Instead, we sat in silence.

I now wish I had said more.

I am certain my grief and sorrow for my grandpa being gone will take years to process. I didn't realize how much he did for my children and I until he couldn't and finally was no longer here.

Life is short, we all know that. We only get this one life to live and be who we want. You can choose what your story looks like.

My grandpa may never know what an impact he had on my life... I never told him!

I am certain I will have more moments in life where I wished I had said more or done differently. That is all part of growing and learning what your core is all about. Tonight, I cry in silence for what I have learned, what I have experienced and for what I took for granted.

There will come a day when my children and grandchild are left with a picture of me that brings a smile and tears to their eyes. They will have the same moment I had tonight. Until that day, I promise to show them love, respect and pride. It takes a strong person to say their truths out loud knowing that just invites judgement. It allows others to say and do what hurts most.

I am afraid of so much in this world. Telling my children how much they mean is not one of them. I may have not followed the right path but I am here now. I am more me than I have ever been.

I am Crystal Rae and once again I had a rough day. I am fully aware of my surroundings and the life I want to live. I am not hiding in the darkness or letting my fears win. I am focused on dancing, laughing and sharing life moments with those that matter the most to me. Everything and everyone else... well, they are just a part of my history!

"Say what you mean for those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"