Self Doubt

I think we all have those the moments in life that causes us to sit down and wonder what we were thinking... I have always been a big believer of everything happens for a reason or finding a reason for everything that has happened. It helps my sanity if I can put the pieces together and uncover a hidden mystery I had no clue was developing all along into something bigger. I have struggled with my mental health, self esteem and finding my purpose in life. Being able to have infinitive proof at the end of the day that tells me I matter...

That sounds so silly in my head as I read that back to myself. Of course I matter! I am a Mom, a Nana, a friend, a hopeful writer and a dreamer. I am a huge fan of love. I think love should win over all else every time. I know this is not practical and rarely proves to be true anymore. Everyone is so quick to give up. To throw in the towel at the first sign of something they don't like or don't want to compromise on. The older I get the more I find people are damaged and unwilling to honestly and openly unpack their baggage. They would rather find fault and point fingers in order to prevent heartache or heaven forbid a real love story with a happy ending.

I don't know why I have to learn things the hard way in life. Every path I take, every decision I make, every situation I deal with is an exhausting battle. I am not sure what I am fighting for these days. I feel like I am the bad guy in some cheesy cop movie and even though I could have escaped a million times, I stayed because it was the right thing to do. The right thing to do is constantly giving me more grief it seems than if I was just dishonest... Now, I am not encouraging anyone to make poor choices on purpose or commit illegal activities. I am simply stating my frustrating towards the amount of things in life that are more often times in the wrong and getting away with it and then having life hand them a prize. A reward for bypassing honesty, a break for knowing an easy way out and a golden ticket to a life of ease at someone else's expense.

My life has been stuck on repeat for years now. Although, my poor choices aren't as poor and my life isn't currently at risk of death from natural gas poisoning or an ex attempting to kill me... my life is hard! By that I mean, if  I don't get up everyday and do the things needed to be done, they don't get done! Why did I set myself up to be the strong, doesn't need anyone type of woman? Its a been a long road and I am tired of feeling like a let down and I am tired of saying I am sorry for things I don't believe I did wrong. I am so tired of the fight, I cave just to get it to stop. The angry words, the bad feelings in my stomach, the thoughts of being worthless or unloved. All emotions I don't do well with. It only sends me down a path of reflection on who I am, why I have done the things I have done and why I have such immense pain I carry with me. You have to admit... surviving an explosion and fire from a natural gas leak is pretty out there. How many can say they have experienced that and if so are alive to tell the story? I struggle with feeling blessed for the outcome and then wondering why I was so "lucky" to have lived.

My thoughts are here to hopefully help someone see that unhappy, unhealthy thoughts are something everyone struggles with at some point. Some are able to express it more openly than others. Most still believe mental illness on any level is a sign of weakness or something to never discuss. They are afraid of what having a mental illness means for them and about them.

I am the opposite. I want to learn everything I can about my PTSD. I want to prepare and bring an awareness to my triggers and maybe help those I love most understand what I feel, what happens after those feelings arise and the best ways to deal with them. How cool would it be if we became educated in others and learned to work through them vs using those moments as painful stabs in future arguments or looked at them as if they were less than you because they were brave enough to disclose the information surrounding the band-aid on their brain.

The issue with mental illness on any level is that is doesn't provide job security, it doesn't gain you popularity nor does it do anything more than isolate you even deeper from the outside world. It likes to hold you prisoner in your own mind and body and make you feel different, unimportant, and very often a burden to the other people around you.

Let me say this as matter as fact as I can.... If you are struggling with your thoughts, do not be so stubborn or embarrassed to speak up. I know in my darkest moments I was certain ending my life would make things simple for me. It would allow me to not give up, not stress what comes next or if I was strong enough to resolve the issue all while dealing with everything else life throws my way. In those moments I feel as if my loved ones are better off with out me. That there life would be so much easier if I wasn't a part of it.

The truth is that there life just might be easier in the long run BUT what is not being told is the ways others feel or react when they have an understanding and want to help.. you suddenly see a different side to people. You find that they reach out in the silence, not because you are burden but most often times, because they have been there and they understand what it feels like to have no one there when you feel like life is out of control.

Life is hard... we all have our silent battles we fight and we all have our demons that come out to play. We all react to situations differently and we all respond in our fight or flight modes differently. That is what makes us unique. That is what keeps our lifelines flowing and that is what keeps our hearts beating. Finding those who want to learn and want to be compassionate to the emotions in the moment are truly what keeps us ticking. Imagine if we all lived lives that required no self reflection, no direction and no second guesses. We would all be lame, tired, boring people. We would all be alone going crazy with our thoughts on what is up and what is down.

Its not what life throws at us that matters. Its of course how we handle those moments that define who we are. This is by no means me saying any of this easy This is me saying... if you are hurting tell someone. Even if that hurt is constant for days, weeks, months... find your people and say it out loud.

Just find something or someone to keep you holding on one more day. You may not seeing the rational behind it all now, but in the future  you will.. and you will be grateful you held on for one more day and then one more day after that!

I am Crystal Rae and I am just as tired today as I was yesterday and the day before. My mind is beyond frazzled and I am uncertain what options I have to mend the issues and get to the end game. There was no manual on any of this but I can say without a doubt that my life is worth it and trying to control tomorrow is not something that will ever be a value add.

So please say your troubles out loud,  map it out and seek those that bring you up. Do not allow others to use you, make you feel like you are hard to love. No body is unlovable and if another human decides to make you feel bad about yourself on any level... Walk away!

You don't have to fight, you don;t have to make excuses and you certainly do not have to tolerate mean words or actions. A person will say so much about who they are. Just sit back and watch. ...

there is nothing in this world that says a good person has to put up with bad things. Its how we react and how we treat others that define who we are. If you walk away from a situation knowing you purposely harmed another person and don't feel you are obligated to make that right, or express your sadness for the decisions made... then you have a definition of you as a person. If you are hurt and do not express that to the other, then you can't be upset for unspoken words.

The silence in our minds is what brings us to knees. The isolation we find outselves in when we feel down, and the words we chose to express all of the above is what needs to be focused on! Words leave a print on the brain and heart, actions after decide what emotion is left with those scars.

So if none of my words are relatable today... do me a favor and keep this one sentence forever in your pocket. Keep it where you can take it out and read it next time you feel the need to purposely hurt another soul...

Your one sentence using words of anger can permanently scar another person for life. It can change their reflection in mirror, there laughter, there tears.... Your one sentence can make or break a person to the core. So before you blurt those words out ... consider the person's soul and ask yourself if what you are about to say is worth a lifetime of self doubt?

And a random text

As far back as I can remember I have felt pain, sorrow and guilt on levels I can’t begin to explain. I tried drowning them out with vodka and sarcasm!
These emotions only magnified with the natural gas I was unknowingly, consuming, day after day the past two years. To add insult to injury I brought a monster into my home that played Prince Charming and really sought pleasure in tormenting and abusing me on every level. His torment escalated to him attempting to kill me on 1/29/20... he was unsuccessful but the lump on my eyebrow and memory of that day still reminds me of the hell I fight!
Let’s not forget to mention the ex prior to that still going to every extreme possible to destroy me... why?? Well, because he loves me.... yeah, right!!!
I had DFS raid my home, I lost my car, several jobs, became an empty nester, had to put my pup Ricky down, was accused of being a drug addict and lastly survived an explosion and house fire from a natural gas leak... a leak that was poisoning me for two years straight! I reached a low I prayed I wouldn’t wake another day to feel!  I hate typing that but it’s my truth.... I wasn’t living, in fact I was dying!!

My hell continued after the blast as I was being forced out of another hotel; no food, money or gas to money to my name. All because of the ex(s) drama! My life was beyond insane! Everything was out of my control! I lost my sense of direction and wasn’t sure which way to go! I was living in fear and sustaining mental abuse on levels that had me broken to my core!

Little did I know, this was about to all change... all thanks to a random message that popped up on my phone looking for the return of a borrowed pair of binoculars. In my panicked state this person offered assistance and I gladly accepted. I was exhausted in ways I never wish to feel again.... I hate asking for help but I knew I needed him.

I just didn’t know how much...

“They” say it will find you when you least expect it... for example on a random Wednesday when an acquaintance offers to help out a stressful situation!

That day he helped move my things, and listened to me dump out years worth of build up from my my soul! I felt safe and oddly I missed his presence when he left. I messaged thanking him for his help and I really didn’t think I’d see him again. I was a little embarrassed for my constant chatter and yet it felt so good to get all of it off my chest. I slept like a rock for the first time in months!

I can’t tell you the exact moment I knew it but I can say I without a doubt I knew it...
This amazing man; saw beyond my tears and horrible mental scars and fought to ignite the spark in my blue eyes. He saw kindness, laughter, witty puns, singing and dancing to my country roots! This human being protected me and fought to bring me back to life! He did all of this without selfish motives. He did it because he knew it was right and because he became addicted to seeing me crawl out of the darkness and damage I had been trapped under for so long! He craved my smile!

The moment we both realized what we found was such a profound day...  1/8/2020! The perfect date on every level! His presence made the unplanned spur of the moment road trip my favorite of all time (so far)! I found my person! He takes pictures of me dancing with my littles, stares at me from the distance with pride and admiration of the girl I was revealing! The real, raw me! I now cry from joy and happiness for this new life I am living. I wake smiling and I fall asleep belly laughing! I have more stories, memories and inside jokes these past few months than the last 10 years of my life! Every horrible moment, questioned path and uncertainty was leading me to truly living! I could never have dreamed this type of connection was destined for me! The man of my dreams.... committed to doing everything together next to me!

On 2/28 I raised my right hand in oath, while sitting next to my hero! We placed rings on our left hands that mean more than any situation or persons can take away! Happiness isn’t just word, it’s a state of mind! I don’t know how long we’ve been together. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore besides him and I waking up next to each other. Him and I dancing to Baby Shark with the grand babies and sharing funny stories with the Tweeners. Life is so much different these days... a different I needed! I always said I didn’t need anyone in my life and I guess I was wrong! I had no idea how terrifying and yet how amazing it feels to let someone in. There isn’t one thing I haven’t shared with this man! In fact I haven’t stopped talking since that day he offered his help!

I too wonder sometimes if it’s crazy to get married so fast and yet that’s what makes this so refreshing! We are following our hearts and so far I can’t say I have any regrets! It’s been one hell of an adventure and I’m looking forward to more!

I am Crystal Rae and of all the  names I’ve been called my favorite by far are Mom, Nana and now Mrs. Meuret; wife, best friend and soul mate to James Meuret!

Words From The Heart

I grew up in a time when there was a divorce you had to pick a side. There wasn't healthy co parenting or telling the world they really tried. The families fought and put each other down. It was this standard that made me promise I would never get a divorce. There wasn't anything that couldn't be worked through or solved. That divorce was because you gave up and didn't push to make it.

When I decided to divorce, it wasn't because we couldn't work things out. I was sick of trying and I didn't want to put any more effort into it. I felt guilt because I swore I would never take this route. Even after he changed and wanted to show me we could make it last. I had no desire. I wanted something fresh and new. To be with someone that had the same interests as me. Someone that made love easy.

To this day, I believe love is easy. There are so many things in life that are hard and filled with discontent. Love shouldn't be one of them. I think as we grow older, we want to rush in. Just to feel the pink could of emotion and not be out there alone. I think we either look past the things we normally wouldn't tolerate for the buzz of fresh love, then to admit, maybe this person isn't the one.

I am not upset by my path of dating and falling for those I have. Each one has taught me a life lesson. A new chapter and a new start. Although, with each ending it hurts my heart. No one likes a break up or the turmoil that usually follows. Its hard to know the person you used to think was your everything is now just another enemy trying to find ways to bring you down. 

Today, I experienced the wrath from my ending on a whole new level. This person went out of their way to attempt to get me in trouble at my job. A job that is new, and even though it can be frustrating at times, I am happy doing what I do. I enjoy the people I work with and the laughs that transpire during the day. I know without a doubt that they are true to me and have my back. We are more than just co workers - we are family!

So how can someone that I used to love with all of me and did everything in my power to give them a happy life. Suddenly want to destroy me? I felt so stupid and embarrassed that my ending was spilling into my now. I wanted to seek revenge and hurt him on every level. I wanted to take his secrets and dark corners and reveal them to the world. I wanted him to hurt just as I was hurting. I wanted to have the upper hand and show him he had messed with the wrong girl.

I went for a drive and blared my heart break country songs. I suddenly didn't feel hate or wanting to seek revenge. I actually felt bad for the man that I once had deeply loved. I thought how sad that he could turn off his heart and not blink an eye. He would go out of his way to try and destroy me. I didn't fully understand why.

I know I am far from perfect but I truly want to know that everything I do in this life is out of love and respect. That I don't discount someone or bring them down with my feelings or actions. I don't have the right to hurt someone because I am angry or want to see them feel bad about who they are. I know that life is not this simple. It takes a lot of work to ensure I keep my head and heart on this path.

I am certain that I have many more mountains to climb and my heart will be tested time and time again. This will not sway me in believing that love wins in the end.

You see, I have eyes watching my actions and listening to my words. They come to me for advice and are eager to win. The problem is, that when it comes to the heart and all they ways we feel. When there is an ending, there is no winner. There is only hurt, and confusion as to why it didn't work out they way we saw it all in our mind. There are sleepless nights and days of not focusing as we move forward into a new chapter. A new life.

I guess with all my rambling, my point I am trying to say is that we all get this one life... we get to wake up and decide what that looks like. We cant control others, how they feel, or how they react. We cant force people to fit into our stories or fast forward past the parts we just want to leave out.

What we can control is our mind and how we react to each event. To think before speaking, to take time away to vent. To not hurt someone just because we can. It takes a big person to keep the secrets and truths that were shared in moments of trust. It takes strength and courage to be the one to keep your word and walk away with your head held high. To know that just because you have the power to destroy someone, doesn't mean you should try.

I am Crystal Rae and I was faced with another harsh lesson today. Your words can have deep meaning when it comes to someone's heart. Your words can also have a dark meaning that can tear someone's world apart!.

So mind your words and speak from your heart... Tomorrows a new day and another fresh start!



















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Family Pictures

Do you remember that day, the one when your life was completely changed? For the good? For the bad? Do you remember spending time with a loved one or close friend and not realizing how little time you had left with that person? I was going through my pictures tonight and I was overcome with emotions of sadness, happiness, and awareness. Its crazy how in a moment you don't see the entire picture. Tonight, I saw a family picture with my grandma, my grandpa and my brothers. My grandpa rarely had pictures of him smiling... This picture was no different, except he had a grin. A grin I hadn't noticed before. It suddenly made me miss him so much. I started to think of our last moments. The laughs, the way he spoke to my grandma in the mornings while trying to do his word scrambles, the nicknames and how he would snap his fingers while saying some saying that made no sense.

I also remember the disappointment when he realized I was still heavily drinking. He didn't yell at me - he didn't say anything other than I should leave if I couldn't stop. That he despised drunks. Later after his health quickly went down hill, I sat sharing a fruit smoothie with him. He was so thankful that I had brought him one. He could barely drink it and he was itching his arms and neck. He was in such misery. I wanted to say I was sorry for disappointing him and tell him that it was his look and words that changed me. That made me suddenly want to do and be better by him. Instead, we sat in silence.

I now wish I had said more.

I am certain my grief and sorrow for my grandpa being gone will take years to process. I didn't realize how much he did for my children and I until he couldn't and finally was no longer here.

Life is short, we all know that. We only get this one life to live and be who we want. You can choose what your story looks like.

My grandpa may never know what an impact he had on my life... I never told him!

I am certain I will have more moments in life where I wished I had said more or done differently. That is all part of growing and learning what your core is all about. Tonight, I cry in silence for what I have learned, what I have experienced and for what I took for granted.

There will come a day when my children and grandchild are left with a picture of me that brings a smile and tears to their eyes. They will have the same moment I had tonight. Until that day, I promise to show them love, respect and pride. It takes a strong person to say their truths out loud knowing that just invites judgement. It allows others to say and do what hurts most.

I am afraid of so much in this world. Telling my children how much they mean is not one of them. I may have not followed the right path but I am here now. I am more me than I have ever been.

I am Crystal Rae and once again I had a rough day. I am fully aware of my surroundings and the life I want to live. I am not hiding in the darkness or letting my fears win. I am focused on dancing, laughing and sharing life moments with those that matter the most to me. Everything and everyone else... well, they are just a part of my history!

"Say what you mean for those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"

Monster's Under My Bed

I love to write and express my emotions on paper. It's so much easier to say what you want to let the world know, when the words have no sounds. When there is no audience to judge. As I sit here today, I once again am aware of my issues, my need to run and my addictions. I have worked so hard to be better than the image of me before. Each time I question why I do what I do? Each time I have the same answer... Its who you are! The choices I made and environment I allowed myself to be in created the monsters inside of me. The more I research, the more I read, the more I understand... I am not normal. I am not ideal based on what society has set as standards. I know I am different. I know I am not like any other woman. I know my crazy moments and my insane overthinking are all the qualities that set me above the rest. I am honest and I am trying to be the best me! I also know that I cant put my progress and achievements in the worlds eyes. I know how far I have come and I know how hard I worked to get where I am today. I don't sit and drown in vodka, nor do I seek false pleasures from other aspects. I work, I clean, I plan family nights two days a week that set my heart and mind on fire. I am loving having a house filled with dancing, laughter, and the sound of my grandson wanting "nana"! Not something that would have happened a year or so ago. The people that walk through my door truly want to be here and look forward to hang time. Those are the moments that I am so proud of myself for the work and effort I have put into MYSELF!

Initially, I was told I was selfish for withdrawing myself. I was told that I would end up alone for not caring anymore. I have a heart of gold! There is nothing that would ever change that! I think of everyone else before myself, always! I am sure I always will. I just don't have to go out of my way to help others when its my heart and soul that needs saving! I don't say that statement as a victim or a need to make other feel sorry for me. I say that with an awareness that I have neglected myself  for so long! I have put my fears, my thoughts, my pain, and my strengths on the back burner for as long as I can remember. I cant change my past... nor can I change the way my brain and body deals with stress. I cant help my need to run. I cant help my need to shut everyone out! Its safe. Its easy and I don't have to deal with anything. I was molested as a very young child and then I was taken advantage of by two boys at 16. I was certain my bad choices are what lead to my situation.  I missed out on a calling to model in New York, I did not believe I was worthy of a good life or feeling happy. I could list a dozen more moments that would make you cringe. One moment after another all throughout my life! I have been used and abused on every level. Each moment left me looking at my reflection in the mirror wishing today was my last. I was bullied as young child and I prayed so hard to be smart and beautiful. Now, I pray to be seen and heard for who I am. Not what I look like or what I say. I am so much more than that. I know as a person I am not ideal from a normal persons view. I have taken so many punches, so many heartbreaks and so many stomach kicks. Each time I am screwed over or stolen from. The bad part is that I don't even flinch anymore.

So lets fast forward... I met a man that would take a bullet for me. The problem is I don't believe I am worthy of his affection, so I run! I run and avoid any conflict, any chance at getting to know each other with disagreements. I push him away any chance I get. Its the way I feel safe. Its the way I control not having to be vulnerable or feeling stupid! I know me and I know the minute I feel something I don't want to.... I RUN!

Its not a feel good when I have the awareness of how it hurts everyone around me. I cant help it and I wish I could. I wish I could stop myself or do something different. I have to come to terms with it is who I am. I have shut out so many dear family members  and friendships due to my need to run. Its safe, its easy and it doesn't require me to say or deal with anything I don't want to. 

I don't have to feel, be, see, hear, or speak of anything that makes me feel bad. Well, that is not life nor is that how it should work! Its a cowards way. It says, I don't have to face what scares most and that is not how life works. What scares us most is what drives us. I am avoiding my drive.

I will never understand why some people have it worse than others. I will never understand why some fall in love at 16 years old and have happily ever after. While some others go through relationship after relationship never finding the one they can keep. I am fully aware of my darkness and what I need to do to. I also am aware that after spending years hiding in my room, I have made huge strides. I keep my raw emotions to myself. I don't want to let anyone have power over me.

So scary that my situational moments have made me seem hard, cold, unloving! Let me ask you... what would you have done? How would you have acted to keep your monsters at bay and yet still letting the world thinking you were just fine! haha...  I honestly cant remember the last time I felt... just fine! I have felt stupid, insecure, used, unappreciated, too soft, too hard, etc! I know I am my own worst enemy and I know... the only way I am going to make it in this world is to be honest! My word, my actions are all I have. I cant control if someone believes me or not but I can control what I am out in this world doing.

I am sorry for lost friendships and lost connections with family members that meant the most to me. I wish they understood. I wish the word understood. I wish people were never put in a position of having to develop ways to protect their heart, body and mind. I wish icky people didn't hurt good people. I wish those that worked the hardest didn't have to make the world believe they are good people.

Each time these moments happen, I learn something new. I see that my protection mode hurts others and I see that I can only expect from other what I am willing to give. Why would anyone give me their heart and put me first when I am waiting to run??

So, here I am again... alone, left to face the monsters under my bed! The one thing that used to comfort me now scares me. I now see who I have pushed away. I now see that the easy road has left me lonely.

Starting now, I am no longer running from what scares me. I am facing it head on! I am tired of being something different, I am tired of having to explain why I do what I do. I am sick of being told I do things different.

I am Crystal Rae, I am scared, I am hurt, and I am afraid of letting the world truly see me. I am also tired of losing those that matter so much to me. So go forward, despite the cost.. I am giving all of me to this world without overthinking the cost. This isn't going to heal the past or give the future any reason to believe otherwise, but it sure forces me to be in the present and to stand tall.

What is the worst thing that could happen?? I actually have someone to catch me when I fall?

Let Go Laughing

This has been a rough week of reflection for me. Thinking of all the ways I have let people I love down as well as all the ways I could have done and been better. The problem with this is that I am wasting my future minutes reflecting and feeling bad about moments I cant change. I am learning that it is perfectly ok to walk away from someone you love in order to once again find yourself.

Often times its the outside voices that confuse our thoughts and our direction. For me my mind became cloudy over hearing what everyone else had to say about my direction, my life, my way. I set on a mission to truly make this my year. To cut everything from my life that felt toxic and added no value. For the most part, that has happened. There were still moments I was hanging on to. Hoping my mind was wrong and my heart was right. They say that if something feels off it truly is. To listen to that feeling. I have taken steps to start listening more and feeling less. Although, this transition period has me feeling lonely, it has also started to open my eyes to who I am and what I want to be.

Its so easy to get caught up in the what if's and why's vs. just taking in the moments. The breathing, the seeing, the being. Today I had so many moments of laughing. Laughing about me, about silly mistakes and my sense of humor. It felt great to have that ache in my cheeks and belly again. Its been so long since I let myself feel happy. I have been hiding behind this wall of fear. Afraid to just be... me!

Life can be so scary. Its hard to think of a future that may not be about anything other than me. My children are quickly growing up and moving on. Sharing less and less time and conversations with me. This alone is hard to adjust to. Hard to think they don't need me anymore. I look forward to the moments I get with them. Something that was a daily thing that I took for granted. Now those moments are cherished.

I went from spending years hiding in my bedroom to venturing out and eating dinner by myself. Not being afraid to dress in my Steelers colors and go watch the game without anyone by my side. You know what? I actually had fun. Who knew?

I have reached a point that I finally understand that my life was done completely backwards. From having children at a young age, marriage, divorce and trying to force a happily ever after that wasn't meant for me. I don't have to feel bad that my life looks and feels different than most. I don't have to wonder what's next or if everything will work out. It always has been working out. Every person, and every situation has taught me something. Either on what I don't want from life or what I do want and what I need to do to get there.

I also know there have been people on my life path that I have hurt. That I betrayed or wasn't there the way they were for me. I know along this path I have left behind some good hearts. I think of them often and pray daily that they know it wasn't them. I just wasn't at a point in life to love them the way they deserved to be. I hope as time as gone on they don't carry resentment or anger for the time we shared. This is family, friends, lovers... anyone who's heart I didn't treat right. Just as I have forgiven and let go of those that have hurt my heart.

Today, if nothing else, was a reminder laughter is truly the best medicine. That being fearful or angry does nothing but steal time away. Not every moment is funny but in every moment you can try to find the good, the positive, the lesson of learning to be.

I decided 7 years ago that I would "let go laughing" and that is exactly where I need to remind myself to be. To be mindful of those around me and pray for those that aren't. To walk with my head held high and do my best to continue to understand who I am and what I want from this thing called life.

At the end of the day it isn't going to matter what size of jeans I wear, or how many hours I work, or even what tasks I crossed off my list. What matters is how I made those around me feel. How I made myself feel.

I am Crystal Rae, perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, stubborn, crazy, epic me! I may not always have everything together. I may not always have the right answers but today I have my laughter and my smile. I have a focus on my future and living in the moment each day. Being mindful and caring of those around me but also not losing myself along the way.

Well, Everything But Love

Forgive me tonight, as I am built up with so much emotion. My only outlet is writing and I know I'm going to burst. I recently experienced the death of my grandpa as well as buying my first home. You would think these wouldn't go hand in hand, except, here I am without my grandpa to call and give me a advice. To help me with the electrical, my car, the water, etc. It goes on and on. I miss that man.

I realized in these past few weeks who I can trust with my heart and who I cant. Sadly, those I am cutting ties with meant the most to me in the past. Those I thought would always be there for me. Turns out I was wrong. At the end of the day what they wanted or needed was all. I know I wasn't always perfect but I know I always gave my heart. From the beginning, right from the start.

Its funny how our life perspective can change so quickly. How what we thought mattered in a moment no longer does. My mother told me she would be proud of me the day I gave her reason to be proud of something. This blows my mind as I was proud of my children the day they were born. Yes, they might have done things to disappoint me, or wish they had stronger self esteem but nothing to every make me feel less proud of them. They are all parts of me, from me. What is not to be proud of? I don't say this to dwell on the past but to explain how my wall are built and how I have such high expectations of myself. If I fail on any level I am automatically disappointed in me. I should have, could have, would have... its all BS. I should love me for me. Perfectly imperfect, hot mess, inpatient, me. I love with all my heart and I give with all I have. There is no shame in that. I would love to find a healthy balance where I wasn't working so many hours but that is all part of my learning process.

I have always given my heart to the wrong people at the wrong time. Its time I start giving it all to me. To love and learn and pour all my affection into me. I have always put everyone else first and as of tonight that stops. I am worthy of so much more. I am Crystal Rae and I am so proud of me today!