Forgive me tonight, as I am built up with so much emotion. My only outlet is writing and I know I'm going to burst. I recently experienced the death of my grandpa as well as buying my first home. You would think these wouldn't go hand in hand, except, here I am without my grandpa to call and give me a advice. To help me with the electrical, my car, the water, etc. It goes on and on. I miss that man.
I realized in these past few weeks who I can trust with my heart and who I cant. Sadly, those I am cutting ties with meant the most to me in the past. Those I thought would always be there for me. Turns out I was wrong. At the end of the day what they wanted or needed was all. I know I wasn't always perfect but I know I always gave my heart. From the beginning, right from the start.
Its funny how our life perspective can change so quickly. How what we thought mattered in a moment no longer does. My mother told me she would be proud of me the day I gave her reason to be proud of something. This blows my mind as I was proud of my children the day they were born. Yes, they might have done things to disappoint me, or wish they had stronger self esteem but nothing to every make me feel less proud of them. They are all parts of me, from me. What is not to be proud of? I don't say this to dwell on the past but to explain how my wall are built and how I have such high expectations of myself. If I fail on any level I am automatically disappointed in me. I should have, could have, would have... its all BS. I should love me for me. Perfectly imperfect, hot mess, inpatient, me. I love with all my heart and I give with all I have. There is no shame in that. I would love to find a healthy balance where I wasn't working so many hours but that is all part of my learning process.
I have always given my heart to the wrong people at the wrong time. Its time I start giving it all to me. To love and learn and pour all my affection into me. I have always put everyone else first and as of tonight that stops. I am worthy of so much more. I am Crystal Rae and I am so proud of me today!
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