All the lights are on

It's a Saturday night and I am once again home alone. I have recently moved into a new home, so all the silence, creaks, and typical house sounds are new to me....

I am afraid!! 

I sit here in my bed wide awake at 1am. I'd like to sleep but with each sound in the night, my heart races. I've played over and over in my mind each possible scenario... Where I hide, how fast I dial 911 and exactly what I say.... Probably not a typical Saturday night for most!!! 

I became a single mom of three at a very young age. I remember sleepless nights longing for silence and peace! Funny, as I sit here tonight with all my kids off doing summer things... I long for the noise! I want to hear Haley's music playing too loud and Jonny yelling at her to turn it down! I want to hear them fight over belongings the other shouldn't have touched. I want to hear my Bana B call me and tell me her and baby Chance are well... I want to hear anything but silence!!

All the lights are on in my home and I still find no comfort. I'm not sure at this point if the sounds are real or If my paranoid spidey senses are playing with my mind! I've never been afraid of the dark but tonight I am!!!! Being alone is hard and letting my mind get the best of me is even worse! I want to be strong, I want to be the independent badass woman who needs no one... As I lay in bed tonight, I would do anything to have company... Someone to tell me it will all be okay!!! 

I spent the day rocking to music and unpacking the rest of my boxes. My brother installed a bolt lock on my door and helped me hang curtains to keep the night shadows out... It felt good! I felt at home and safe! As the sun went down and my neighbors shot off fireworks sending my Bella Roo into a panicked barking rage... My heart beat raced.... The what ifs began and suddenly every noise sent my mind into a whirlwind of fear! How would I protect myself? How would I fight back? How would I ensure my safety.... How??!? 

Each time I tried to sleep, I would focus on my breathing and mental prayers for safety and rest! As I focused I would find I was sleeping but my mind was still awake. I would startle myself with my own snoring! Such a strange thing to be so mentally awake that you hear yourself sleeping!! 

I am simple Crystal Rae and afraid of so much.....

I can't wait for the day that my life isn't such a fearful rush!! 

I'm so tired and yet so focused to do better this time! 

I'm too old to be afraid of the night! 

As I lay in bed with every light on... I pray for my fears to be gone! 

I'm far from perfect but I'm honest and true...

And at 37 years... I lay here waiting for the sunlight to shine through

To wash my fears and all be okay... If only just for a day!!! 

I'm Crystal Rae and I'm afraid of the dark!!