Once again this has been a hard week for me! Not moving stress or having to pay for two locations stress... Or afraid of the dark stress! The deepest form I've ever experienced! My daughter went into labor this week and due to fear of complications she refused to have her water broken! I respected this but after 3 trips to the labor and delivery and hours upon hours of her being in labor without drugs... I questioned her sanity! I admired her strength for an all natural labor but wondered after 24 hours of pain if she would cave.... I also smiled knowing her stubborn attitude came directly from her mama!!! As expected she did give and allow them to do what they had to do...
Out of all things I've experienced in life, I can tell you watching my first child in labor and screaming in pain was the hardest thing I've dealt with! I wanted to make her pain go away but as a mother of three I knew exactly what she was going through and it was the only way!! I rubbed her back and applied cold cloths to her head... It was all I could do...I felt helpless in making her pain easy!
The moment finally came and I assisted with the birth of my grandson.
Up until that moment I stressed how she would do this, how she would pay for everything and how she would follow a better path than I! The moment he was born and on her chest crying.. My perspective changed! He was beautiful and mad at the nurses wiping him off... I stared in awe in the moment without a tear! I worried for months how she would make it. How she would provide for a baby... But in that moment... It suddenly didn't matter! He was healthy and she was doing well... They stared into each other eyes for 20 mins. He knew his mama and she knew her life was forever changed!
Let's go back in time... Once in my life I was a wife, a mother and a career woman! I struggled with the balances of doing it all ... But I had a purpose... As life went on, I divorced and watched my kids grow with less needs from their mom as before. I was lost for so long... I didn't get this until the birth of my grandson!
He was so handsome and his cries made me want to hold him.... In a instant I was in love! Love at first sight! His forehead wrinkled as he cried and I just wanted to hold him!!! I'm sure the nurse didn't appreciate me rushing her so I could get him in my arms!!!
I balanced spending as much time with my daughter as I could as well as continuing to work and then back to see her after. I was exhausted!! In my tired state I also felt a fire inside that I haven't felt in years! I feel closer to my daughter than ever before and instead of focusing on fears of the future... I was and still am excited! I not only get to watch my daughters next chapter but be by her side while she writes it! I get to watch my children participate in their nephews life! I also have seen a new joy in my family's faces! It's amazing what one little boy has done without even knowing it!
I have a new purpose in life, a new role and a new name!
I am Crystal Rae... Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... Me
and now you can call me grandma!!!
I write all of this with a grin and I can't wait for this next chapter of the book...
His name is Chance Michael and I'm absolutely hooked!!!
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