Let Go Laughing

This has been a rough week of reflection for me. Thinking of all the ways I have let people I love down as well as all the ways I could have done and been better. The problem with this is that I am wasting my future minutes reflecting and feeling bad about moments I cant change. I am learning that it is perfectly ok to walk away from someone you love in order to once again find yourself.

Often times its the outside voices that confuse our thoughts and our direction. For me my mind became cloudy over hearing what everyone else had to say about my direction, my life, my way. I set on a mission to truly make this my year. To cut everything from my life that felt toxic and added no value. For the most part, that has happened. There were still moments I was hanging on to. Hoping my mind was wrong and my heart was right. They say that if something feels off it truly is. To listen to that feeling. I have taken steps to start listening more and feeling less. Although, this transition period has me feeling lonely, it has also started to open my eyes to who I am and what I want to be.

Its so easy to get caught up in the what if's and why's vs. just taking in the moments. The breathing, the seeing, the being. Today I had so many moments of laughing. Laughing about me, about silly mistakes and my sense of humor. It felt great to have that ache in my cheeks and belly again. Its been so long since I let myself feel happy. I have been hiding behind this wall of fear. Afraid to just be... me!

Life can be so scary. Its hard to think of a future that may not be about anything other than me. My children are quickly growing up and moving on. Sharing less and less time and conversations with me. This alone is hard to adjust to. Hard to think they don't need me anymore. I look forward to the moments I get with them. Something that was a daily thing that I took for granted. Now those moments are cherished.

I went from spending years hiding in my bedroom to venturing out and eating dinner by myself. Not being afraid to dress in my Steelers colors and go watch the game without anyone by my side. You know what? I actually had fun. Who knew?

I have reached a point that I finally understand that my life was done completely backwards. From having children at a young age, marriage, divorce and trying to force a happily ever after that wasn't meant for me. I don't have to feel bad that my life looks and feels different than most. I don't have to wonder what's next or if everything will work out. It always has been working out. Every person, and every situation has taught me something. Either on what I don't want from life or what I do want and what I need to do to get there.

I also know there have been people on my life path that I have hurt. That I betrayed or wasn't there the way they were for me. I know along this path I have left behind some good hearts. I think of them often and pray daily that they know it wasn't them. I just wasn't at a point in life to love them the way they deserved to be. I hope as time as gone on they don't carry resentment or anger for the time we shared. This is family, friends, lovers... anyone who's heart I didn't treat right. Just as I have forgiven and let go of those that have hurt my heart.

Today, if nothing else, was a reminder laughter is truly the best medicine. That being fearful or angry does nothing but steal time away. Not every moment is funny but in every moment you can try to find the good, the positive, the lesson of learning to be.

I decided 7 years ago that I would "let go laughing" and that is exactly where I need to remind myself to be. To be mindful of those around me and pray for those that aren't. To walk with my head held high and do my best to continue to understand who I am and what I want from this thing called life.

At the end of the day it isn't going to matter what size of jeans I wear, or how many hours I work, or even what tasks I crossed off my list. What matters is how I made those around me feel. How I made myself feel.

I am Crystal Rae, perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, stubborn, crazy, epic me! I may not always have everything together. I may not always have the right answers but today I have my laughter and my smile. I have a focus on my future and living in the moment each day. Being mindful and caring of those around me but also not losing myself along the way.