As far back as I can remember I have felt pain, sorrow and guilt on levels I can’t begin to explain. I tried drowning them out with vodka and sarcasm!
These emotions only magnified with the natural gas I was unknowingly, consuming, day after day the past two years. To add insult to injury I brought a monster into my home that played Prince Charming and really sought pleasure in tormenting and abusing me on every level. His torment escalated to him attempting to kill me on 1/29/20... he was unsuccessful but the lump on my eyebrow and memory of that day still reminds me of the hell I fight!
Let’s not forget to mention the ex prior to that still going to every extreme possible to destroy me... why?? Well, because he loves me.... yeah, right!!!
I had DFS raid my home, I lost my car, several jobs, became an empty nester, had to put my pup Ricky down, was accused of being a drug addict and lastly survived an explosion and house fire from a natural gas leak... a leak that was poisoning me for two years straight! I reached a low I prayed I wouldn’t wake another day to feel! I hate typing that but it’s my truth.... I wasn’t living, in fact I was dying!!
My hell continued after the blast as I was being forced out of another hotel; no food, money or gas to money to my name. All because of the ex(s) drama! My life was beyond insane! Everything was out of my control! I lost my sense of direction and wasn’t sure which way to go! I was living in fear and sustaining mental abuse on levels that had me broken to my core!
Little did I know, this was about to all change... all thanks to a random message that popped up on my phone looking for the return of a borrowed pair of binoculars. In my panicked state this person offered assistance and I gladly accepted. I was exhausted in ways I never wish to feel again.... I hate asking for help but I knew I needed him.
I just didn’t know how much...
“They” say it will find you when you least expect it... for example on a random Wednesday when an acquaintance offers to help out a stressful situation!
That day he helped move my things, and listened to me dump out years worth of build up from my my soul! I felt safe and oddly I missed his presence when he left. I messaged thanking him for his help and I really didn’t think I’d see him again. I was a little embarrassed for my constant chatter and yet it felt so good to get all of it off my chest. I slept like a rock for the first time in months!
I can’t tell you the exact moment I knew it but I can say I without a doubt I knew it...
This amazing man; saw beyond my tears and horrible mental scars and fought to ignite the spark in my blue eyes. He saw kindness, laughter, witty puns, singing and dancing to my country roots! This human being protected me and fought to bring me back to life! He did all of this without selfish motives. He did it because he knew it was right and because he became addicted to seeing me crawl out of the darkness and damage I had been trapped under for so long! He craved my smile!
The moment we both realized what we found was such a profound day... 1/8/2020! The perfect date on every level! His presence made the unplanned spur of the moment road trip my favorite of all time (so far)! I found my person! He takes pictures of me dancing with my littles, stares at me from the distance with pride and admiration of the girl I was revealing! The real, raw me! I now cry from joy and happiness for this new life I am living. I wake smiling and I fall asleep belly laughing! I have more stories, memories and inside jokes these past few months than the last 10 years of my life! Every horrible moment, questioned path and uncertainty was leading me to truly living! I could never have dreamed this type of connection was destined for me! The man of my dreams.... committed to doing everything together next to me!
On 2/28 I raised my right hand in oath, while sitting next to my hero! We placed rings on our left hands that mean more than any situation or persons can take away! Happiness isn’t just word, it’s a state of mind! I don’t know how long we’ve been together. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore besides him and I waking up next to each other. Him and I dancing to Baby Shark with the grand babies and sharing funny stories with the Tweeners. Life is so much different these days... a different I needed! I always said I didn’t need anyone in my life and I guess I was wrong! I had no idea how terrifying and yet how amazing it feels to let someone in. There isn’t one thing I haven’t shared with this man! In fact I haven’t stopped talking since that day he offered his help!
I too wonder sometimes if it’s crazy to get married so fast and yet that’s what makes this so refreshing! We are following our hearts and so far I can’t say I have any regrets! It’s been one hell of an adventure and I’m looking forward to more!
I am Crystal Rae and of all the names I’ve been called my favorite by far are Mom, Nana and now Mrs. Meuret; wife, best friend and soul mate to James Meuret!
No comments:
Post a Comment