If someone would have told me I would be 38 years old typing on my laptop in a room at my grandparents house, kids almost grown, my dog passed away, no car, and working in a heavy duty truck salvage yard.. I would have never believed it. Up until today, I have believed I was jinxed and that I always got the raw end of the deal.
I see now, clearer than ever before that every decision and every path I have gone down has been based on the decisions I have made. I know most of you are in shock as that is a typical adult thing to know. My problem is I have also focused on the image in my head society has told me the way things should be. I now understand that I have experienced so many downs in my life that I am afraid of the ups. I am always waiting for something to go wrong and when things don't, I have to run or end things to ensure I am protected from something that might happen years down the road. I don't blame myself for this. I think people deal differently and my way of dealing or not dealing could be much worse. In fact, I am happy I am now fully aware of this about myself. It helps me to grow and look for patterns to better understand myself. The part I am not happy about is that this protection mode has hurt many in my path. Most that don't understand or deserve the unnecessary drama.
I always thought I had to have someone by my side for the future. I see now that I will never have someone who adores me if I don't set the standard high enough to allow that... as well as love myself first. Happiness has got to come from within me before I will ever be compatible to ever possibly marry again. I am sad that it has taken me so many years to value me. Flaws and all. I have always put everyone else before myself and I no longer am. I am going to speak what is on my mind and try and get through life with a smile on my face. I may not have good days every day but not every day has to be bad. I always feared growing old alone. Although, something I would prefer to not have to experience, today I am good with it. If my heart and soul is so jaded that I am unable of trusting enough to give my all... why would I continue to try and hurt those in my path? Why would I put myself in situations to love someone if I am not yet capable of loving myself?
I know before I said no more lists but as of tonight I have a new list... This time not all the things I want to find in a partner but all the things I want to see, do and accomplish in my life. A list that doesn't require feedback from family, friends, etc. A list that is mine to own and feel good about.
Life doesn't always lead us down a path we expect. Life is always throwing curve balls... I have just decided that as I learn myself and what I truly want out of life.. I am not allowing outside voices to halt my growth.
Some will say I am cold hearted and have no compassion... others will say... do you! I say, I am tired of listening to what everyone has to say about me and I am giving my all to me... for once. When my day on this earth is done - you wont hear what my heart and mind felt. The things I heard and seen... You will hear all the reasons why I didn't blend with society. I'm good with that
So here's to another tomorrow and another path on my own. My heart may be cold and my mind may push everyone away... but tomorrow... I look in the mirror and do things my way!
No more being driven by what everyone else has to say...
I am perfectly imperfect, stubborn, simple, hot mess Crystal Rae and now I am learning to love myself each and every day!
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