Tonight, while driving my daughter and her son home... it occurred to me how distant we have become. A child I cared for so many years had nothing to say to me on the drive home. I wanted her to know how much I have missed her. How much I long for the relationship we once had. She is a strong woman and her son loves her dearly... but I miss the days of caring for her needs and wants. This made me realize the relationship I once had with my own mother. In a day 2-3 phone conversations was a normal. As time went on, I sought to find myself and in that path... I left so many behind. I didn't do so to hurt others. I did so to protect myself. I don't think I ever thought of my path as selfish, but tonight it feels that way. My kids cant help my marriage ended or the struggles I would face as a single mom. I always thought I did the best I could but tonight I feel like I could have done better. As parents, we do not get time for a break or for a break down at that matter. We are to do our jobs day in and day out regardless. I didn't focus on the regardless... I focused on myself. I really thought in the moment I was doing best for my children, but I see much differently now.
As I sit here living in my grandparents home and dealing with real life live or die conversations, I realize how much more I wish I did. I am proud of my children for who they are all that they have become. As they do there thing and "grow up" I miss them dearly. I miss having to dress them and care for them on so many levels.. I only hope I taught them right from wrong, compassion and respect. I hope regardless of the path I was on that they know I love them with all my heart. I also hope with this mind set that I can see what pain I must have caused my family members by going on my own. We often think we are doing best for others by not being selfish but forget what a void feels like. Even if we may not agree with the decisions others have made, we have to know the human spirit needs people. People who have judged us, walked on us and also been there when others haven't. Life isn't perfect and neither are people... but the minute we close the doors to those we love the most... is the day we hurt others without knowing. I know... I miss my children on so many levels. Even though I see most of them every day... its a different level. I am their mom but I am no longer the mom. They don't need me to make life decisions or tell them what to wear. In fact, I am sure they would wear the opposite of what I told them.
If I could do this all over I would - As I am sure most of us would. I know in my heart I gave my all... whatever depression capacity allowed me. I know that at the end of the day I would do for my kids before myself...
I write this message to say... love with all of you... every day. Don't be let down by judgement or ill feelings of yourself. Forgive but don't forget. Let life remind you of your struggles and strengths. I have been through so much the last few years. It makes you realize what is important and what isn't. I thought I could wait for my kids to grow up and see what I have dealt with... now I wish they weren't older and still naïve to the world. Adulting is so overrated.
So, my children if you are reading this... I love you with all my heart! I'm truly sorry for they things that didn't go right but am so glad you were all by my side as a family when it didn't. I truly hope I gave you enough to be you and follow the rules of the world. Yet, also courage to take it by storm. You are only limited by your mind. Dream big! To my family if you are reading this... I am sorry I went distant. Sometimes we have to go dark to better Its so easy to judge and make life decisions from the corner. Its hard to know at the end of the day that those decisions were wrong.
If I could do it all over again... I would still love with all of my being and believe in happily ever after. I would still cry at movies and blush with jokes. I would still recall childhood memories
So, I'm Crystal Rae, Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... me... miss all those that used to be important to me. Tomorrow's a new day... and I'm already set to start making calls that don't mean much yet. In time they will and reconnections are a must. Life is too short to let it all fade to dust!
LOVE with all of you... today and tomorrow. Life is too short to be filled with any sorrow..
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