It is what it is...

Many have no clue the darkness I live in. The guilt and expectations I put myself through. I want to be happy, I want structure and to feel okay. It's been years now since I've felt that way! I'm tired beyond tired and so ungrateful for my struggles. I want the happily after married life with 2.3 kids and a white picket fence. My life is far from that!

I hate the saying it is what it is... But truly that is the motto of my life. I want to let family and friends in but I shut everyone out. I'm afraid of what people will think if they knew the real me. So i sit in my room alone. I hide from what I can to make it another day. My nights are dark. I don't say that to scare... I say that with an attitude of being afraid every day! I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of not being a good example for my children and I'm afraid of doing this everyday.

I've tried therapy and my issues of being left behind run deep. I'm afraid of dropping my walls but once I do I run... If I leave first it won't hurt so much.

Do you know what it feels like to look in a mirror and say this is it? This is my life. My choices, my path and yet be so disgusted by it all?

I have friends struggling with cancer and deaths of loved ones that make me feel so heartless as my struggles are first world problems but to me they are real!

I feel crazy.... I feel alone and although I know I matter ... I struggle with caring about that!

I'm a person with such a good heart - why am I laying awake at night worrying about caring for my children and paying bills I can't afford?

What is my purpose in this life?

I hate that I hate

I want to be "normal" but I'm not

I want to have my life together and feel happy for all I've done

I'm crazy and emotional and so far beyond my age

I wish life wasn't so complicated and displayed

Love me for who I am and reach out with encouraging words

I'm sinking and envious of the birds

With wings to fly and see the world above

I'm so broken with a soul looking to love

I'm tired of fighting and having to be strong

One day my life won't feel so wrong!

So here's to all of you struggling in some way

It is what it is... Today