Get Over It!

I have been called a lot of things in my life some good and some bad.... I can now add "hot mess" to the list! You would think this would be part of the bad section but as I sit here grinning I am adding it to the good section of things to be called! If I am learning anything about myself as I walk this path, it is that I do not do well without sleep!! Pretty sure I have known this all along but for some reason I keep repeating the pattern and learning this over and over again! It's amazing what a good days rest can do for a the tired mind and soul... yes I meant days rest! As I woke from sleeping the majority of my Saturday away walls broke and emotions poured out that I haven't really dealt with in years. I became a "hot mess"! I am certain deep inside there is a part of me that is shaking in disbelief of my thoughts and actions but considering the way I feel today - I am okay with it! I can't move forward if I am not willing share my scars from the past! My outlook is clear today and I am finding that being so hard on myself is only going to leave me miserable and lonely! I am only human and in that I am allowed to make mistakes - aren't we all?? 

As I continue down this path called life I have had several ups and downs. Anyone that truly knows me, knows I do everything on a large scale... go big or go home! So my ups are truly highs and my downs.... well "hot mess".. remember?? It seems in these moments when I am down I hear the same things time and again. I have been told everything will be okay, to let it all out, to forgive myself, to stop being so hard on myself, to put it in gods hands, and that everything happens for a reason. This is all sound advice and seems to work for a second! It wasn't until last night when I was looked straight in the face and told to "get over it" that things suddenly made sense! Get Over it?? Really, just like that? As I sit here laughing, it truly is the best advice of all! So yes, I am going to get over it! 

I am not sure what I was thinking all along.... over thinking that is! I am Crystal Rae... perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, and now a hot mess! Sounds great doesn't it?? I realize in life we all have pain and wounds that take time to heal. That these don't just go away but in the right mindset life can go on! I am looking forward to the future and living life day by day! I am getting over it..... and laughing on my way! It's important to be honest and share how you feel but hiding in the corners of your past just might cause you to miss out on something very real! 

So here I go... moving forward... fingers crossed for the best! 

Today is a new day and my past is finally being laid to rest!

Turn The Page

As I continue on my path in life... my journey... I find things about myself that come to my surprise. I have given up on "The List" or doing my best to try - but what I find is it wasn't this list that was holding me back.... It was my heart! I think every girl and maybe even every guy has the ideal of what happily ever looks like or what they want it to be, but I also think as life goes on and you meet new people, you find they have scars.... Scars that are hard to forget or are afraid to reopen. I find myself on this new path of healthy... working out like crazy and eating all healthy foods (minus last night... I sooo longed for fried food)! I find as much as I physically feel better - my heart and head not so much! So in knowing I am perfectly imperfect and overly emotional - what does this mean? Well.... this means that I have once again come to realization that what I want from life and what I am willing to risk to get it don't go hand in hand!! I am learning that I have built walls of great design and the minute someone begins to break them down I run.....

I am so tired of running but I am also not yet willing to put effort into the beginning - I just want the end! I want to know its right and what is meant to be.... if only life was this simple!

So today my advice for you is to stop thinking... to care deeply for those that care for you and soak in the laughter! Happily ever after is overrated and just plan BS! We all have troubles and we all have things we wish we could redo... so stop thinking of the past and focus on the present.... just live life!!! I am certain if we do so we will make bad choices, but we will also make great ones. We cant determine if someone is meant to be until we try.

I am Crystal Rae and today I turn the page...... another chapter - another thought... the only thing that matters is that I do today with what yesterday I was afraid I sought!!

"The List"

It's amazing how your life can change in an instant. How out of the blue something can turn your life upside down and not for the worse, but for the better. I promised as I went on this journey I would share my ups and downs - insides and outs...

I remember waking at one point in my life with thoughts and predictions on how my life would continue on. On what each detail would look like. I began mentally tracking the details that would most fit into my life. These mental items poured out of me each time I experienced another up or down. A moment of what I didn't want to feel again or on the up, a moment of bliss. These mental thoughts day by day added up and became "The List"!

I think this list made me feel secure and set - you know that feeling you have when you think you know the unknown? I could compare the world, each moment, each experience and mark off the items that worked or didn't. Keep in mind this was all mental so unless you are truly close to me, the list is new to you! My latest obsession is finding my happily after so of course the majority of the list is based on the man of my dreams. The rest is focused on my children, my job, my home, my health, my pets... yes its a long list but I have a great mind and memory...

As each of us move forward in life we all find day to day moments that make us question our thoughts or beliefs. I find myself sitting here tonight typing with great emotion. I find life can be filled with so much happiness and yet still provide a twist that knocks the air out of your chest. So I have a choice... I can sit and ponder on the unfairness of the roller coaster I am currently strapped in OR I can smile and truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That life doesn't have to be the half empty glass, nor does it have to be half full....

What I do know is that I cannot predict my future! I cannot control the  unknown but I can live today! I can start fresh and handle life as it happens. I am a strong person and I know I can handle whatever comes my way. I am Crystal Rae and...... "The List".... no longer exists as of today!!

Sunrises and Sunsets

I have stated numerous times how I dislike March. How it contains so many dates that are hard to digest. In order to push through this month I decided to focus on the sunrises and sunsets. The magical colors in the sky were my only hope of making it day by day until I could finally smile at the thought of April 1st - April Fools Day!!! To some this day is filled with practical jokes and laughter. For me it is a day that meant strength, change, a new focus. I still love to play pranks and bring those around me laughter but deep inside the day has much more meaning.

My approach of sunrises and sunsets was working. I would call my best friend every morning over coffee and we would force each other to stare at the morning sky. In amaze of its beauty... reminded of a higher power that must be to create such morning delight. The colors would light my eyes with the glowing of the pink, red, purple, and blue colors... if that wasn't enough add the morning sun as it peeks through to ensure you're watching! I would then groan at the thought of getting dressed and heading to work to continue through the daily routine of life. As the hours past by, I would once again get my view with a reminder night was closely approaching with the glow of an orange, red, and pink sunset. This would follow with a bright moon and a night sky filled with stars. Once again I had made another day, another night.... next!!!

As I was cleaning my room tonight I was distracted by the distant sounds of the Xbox playing in the living room. As I approached, I could see my children dancing and laughing.... I paused....

Dancing with my children is nothing new, in fact it is something we do quite frequently. It was just tonight that I realized I was missing out on so much by focusing on my sunrises and sunsets - I was letting life pass me by!

So it's March, so what?? As I share with my friends and family my current struggles and life changes I hear the same thing over and over.... "Crystal you are the strongest person we know - look at everything you have done and accomplished"! So why has it taken me so long to feel this? Yes!!! Yes, I am Crystal Rae and I am Epic!

For those that know me - I bet you can hear me laughing out loud, grinning ear to ear!! I don't say this in a form of being egotistical or above all others... I say these things with a pink cloud in my future!

For the first time in quite awhile I feel energized - I feel challenged... not weak, not a failure, not a not but a will!! I will...

So I sit here tonight watching my son proudly draw angry birds free hand and show me each one. I sit watching my daughter drink a nutrition shake that we are sharing after attempting day one of Jillian Michaels 6 week six pack abs and can hear my oldest daughter in her room jamming to music happy to finally have earned her cell phone back! I can hear my dog flopping around in the distance and the kitten meowing as they play....

For being simple Crystal Rae, I lead a pretty complex life and as of today I no longer hide from it! I will still watch the sunrise and follow it up with a sunset and stars - just no more avoiding the best parts.... the in-betweens!

Here's to today, tomorrow, and the next..... I finally got this!

Not For Rent

I have always been told when one door closes another one opens. I think there were moments in my life when I found this to be true. Today I experience a door closing.... I have seen the next door open but I believe somethings aren't meant to happen one after another. It takes time for us to have the strength to not only see the  door but feel the need to open it. We all have dreams, we have doubt... we have strength and with that comes weakness. I have found in my weakness is when I find my true self. When I see the things I don't want to understand about myself. Someone recently told me "Crystal you are too hard on yourself. You don't see what you have accomplished in life, but what you have failed" I find myself amazed to hear this as its exactly true. I have given so much, given up even more, and yet find those considered my friends are the first to push me down. I don't ask for alot and I know simple Crystal Rae is far more complex than I would like to world to see. You have learned I am overly emotional, perfectly imperfect... I get this now! I get this with a smile! I have been hurt by those around me, just as I have hurt those around me in return. Perspective is an amazing thing - always two sides to a story. I smile not in knowing I have hurt others, but in knowing on this journey called my life that each step has brought me closer to me. I am known for my strength and confidence... those that know me best, know otherwise.
I don't write tonight seeking attention or words of praise. I write tonight knowing life is a journey and I have closed yet another chapter. I have a heart of gold - a heart that has been beat down time and time again. Each time I am able to stand up... to keep moving forward! I finally realize my heart is not for rent. Its not a space you get to occupy with a down payment. My heart is best suited for those that want to stay. Want a piece that lasts forever regardless of the path of life or the differences that may come. You can love someone in a moment and know it will last a lifetime. This goes for family, friends, children, pets, etc... love has no boundaries! What I have learned today and feel more than ever is that life can change in a moment. I have seen this over and over again. Although we may not always understand the meaning, we know whats is in our heart! It takes great strength to put our heart out there and listen and follow - it takes even greater strength to let our mind take the lead when we know our heart is loving for all the wrong reasons.
I am proud to call me Crystal Rae - even in my darkest moments, I am proud of the way I care - the way I see life. My glass may not always be half full.... but my heart is! I have a heart of gold - something not many can say. I believe in happily ever after and know I will find it someday! In the meantime I will dance and embrace life with all my flaws... for I am Crystal Rae and my heart is no longer for rent!

Perfectly Imperfect

Today is a hard day for me - this whole weekend rather.... It's March. March is a symbol of so many things. The birds are playful and spring is in the air... This sets my soul on fire. I have a need for the sun and the warmth it brings. My toes scream to be let free, as my flip flop collection begs to be worn. March also is the month that brought so much change into my life. A change that felt energizing - a new start - a new life! I now am experiencing March again - two years later with less of an energy. I said at the start of this I would have good days and bad - today feels bad! Don't get me wrong - this isn't doom and gloom or the start of dark and twisty Crystal. This is just a month that causes reflection. Reflection just as looking in a mirror brings to light the many flaws that cant be covered with make up. 

My mind is a wonderful thing - it can be so creative - so full of wisdom... It also can be my worst enemy and ponder on things I should have let go, or want to let go! They say time heals all wounds... I don't believe it! I believe with time we remember less and in the less we find we focus on pushing aside and moving forward. This month is hard as it has so many dates that meant something at one time. Dates that were remembered with flowers and dinners and love. As time went on those dates became time lines on a calendar that referenced how far you had made it... another year... 

Today I am realizing I am perfectly imperfect - in every shape and form. I have set so many standards for myself and when I am not able to maintain that level - I feel weak. I wonder at what point in my life did I decide to be so hard on myself? When did I set these rules and raise the bar so high that I am set to continually fail? I know I do not enjoy failure - so why do I set myself up for it? 

I question life this weekend with the childish attitude of nothing being fair... cracks me up as so many times I have had this conversation with my children. The end result of the conversation always being - life is not fair!! So why do I suddenly feel childish and want to cry and dwell on this known fact? I didn't set out on this life journey with easy in mind. I knew it wouldn't be easy and was continually reminded of that fact. I think today this comes to light knowing I am tired. I am tired of the fight - I am tired of the lonely. Don't get me wrong - I have a life most would prefer to have. I have my children that I am raising with my thoughts and beliefs. I have a roof over my head and a job that pays the bills. So how can I sit her like a spoiled brat and want for more?

It's simple - I am an overly emotional woman who is perfectly imperfect. I am fully aware of the challenges I face and the change I need to set into action. It's the setting into action that has me so tired! I am a fighter in every shape and form, but I am also Crystal Rae - so simple! It's the power of knowing what change needs to take place that has my eyes wide open - its digging deep to once again find the strength to make it happen that has me exhausted. 

Two years ago I set out on a journey I knew wouldn't be easy and I am sure as this month pushes along I will have other moments that remind me of this. I hate March and I know I shouldn't.... but two years later -  I still do! My focus this month will be to rewrite my history - to make those moment that left a mark disappear with new traditions - new emotions. I am not one who hates or even likes that word... so my life journey this month will be to focus on change, find the strength I need to make it happen, and find ways to rewrite pain with laughter. 

I am fully aware I am perfectly imperfect - and now so is the world!! Being imperfect is a great quality. It automatically lets me know I can drop the bar. I can stop and breathe and focus on the stars. 

So March, here is to you and all of the dates I am about to face.... I may not have you today... but by month end I am certain to have got this! I am Crystal Rae and today is just another day..... 

Love is just a four letter word

Tonight I sit here and think of all the people that have crossed my life path - the ones that stayed and the ones that didn't.... Its funny how as a child you envision love and what it means to you. I can say I have had very few true connections in my life - but those connections I did have, I will never forget.

I think in our lives it is so important to have best friends and maybe not even friends but a best friend. The one true person you feel you can share all with - in a minute - without thought. I one day would love for a best friend to be my best half, but for now I focus on me. It's that all that truly matters, the voice on the other end. The one that knows no matter how many days you go -  you are still true and the best of everything with.

I have struggled with so many aspects of my life. Day to day has brought me down and lifted me up. What I do know is  having someone by your side that understands your moments of weakness and moments of strength is an amazing thing. I struggle with the balance of being a single mom and a full time career woman every day. The balance almost seems impossible to please both. Therefore I feel guilt, as if I am not giving my all. What advice can I give you today on my life journey?? I don't know that I have any... I believe Love is just a 4 letter word until someone comes along and gives it meaning -  I believe that I am better than most believe, including myself, and I believe poetry can heal the heart... no matter what..

So speak your mind and follow your heart - for in life they are truly never far apart. Get up and sing and dance and live life to the fullest - for sometimes what we want most or believe is best will fulfill us... we got this - we truly do - at the end of the day all that matters is what you believe and what best friend you have to support you through. Thank god for best friends in every shape or form. They keep us laughing and our hearts warm...

I 4 letter word my best friend....

Say My Name

I woke today from an emotional dream, one of those that linger for hours. My first instinct was to clean, to start fresh. I like to process my thoughts, sometimes to the extreme. In my moment of thinking - my thoughts focused on who I am - what do I mean. I have recently played the role of ex wife, then there is the aspect of being a single mom with 3 kids and a full time job, daughter, granddaughter, niece, friend... the list goes on! I live by so many names but the one I was given is Crystal Rae.... what does this name mean to me? Who am I truly? I get so caught up in the day to day moments and what society thinks I should be I have forgotten about Crystal Rae. Blue eyes, brown hair, and a smile that lights a room. I by nature am simple... simple rocks - no real pressure there! Funny how it has taken me so many years to stop and focus on me. The puzzle is less complicated when you only have one piece to focus on. I know that life is far more complicated than just one piece to the puzzle, but if you start one piece at a time all seems less overwhelming.

Today I am against society... I grew up being too short, then too tall, too skinny, too fat, and on and on I can go.  What I have begun to understand today is that I am me and I have to pull all other elements aside. I have tried my whole life to fit into what "society" wants... what do I want? I am starting to blog to share my thoughts and my adventure. I am me, blue eyes, brown hair - Crystal Rae. I was told divorce was wrong. I was told raising 3 kids on my own meant the odds of them dropping out of school or having less of a chance was more in favor. I write today with an energy I haven't felt in years. Why? Because I choose not follow the rules of society. I choose to be 12 and dance and sing with my kids. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I choose to live and let myself be a person. I have lived up and let down so many titles so many words but as of today I am sharing my words, my thoughts. I am Crystal Rae, I am simple, and I am living a life most disregarded, most frowned upon. I don't have to be okay every day - but today I am. It's all about sunsets and sunrises.

Tomorrow I may fail or I may succeed, who knows? What I do know is you can say my name, and say it loud.... all that matters is how I feel and what I am doing each day to make myself feel proud!!