Perfectly Imperfect

Today is a hard day for me - this whole weekend rather.... It's March. March is a symbol of so many things. The birds are playful and spring is in the air... This sets my soul on fire. I have a need for the sun and the warmth it brings. My toes scream to be let free, as my flip flop collection begs to be worn. March also is the month that brought so much change into my life. A change that felt energizing - a new start - a new life! I now am experiencing March again - two years later with less of an energy. I said at the start of this I would have good days and bad - today feels bad! Don't get me wrong - this isn't doom and gloom or the start of dark and twisty Crystal. This is just a month that causes reflection. Reflection just as looking in a mirror brings to light the many flaws that cant be covered with make up. 

My mind is a wonderful thing - it can be so creative - so full of wisdom... It also can be my worst enemy and ponder on things I should have let go, or want to let go! They say time heals all wounds... I don't believe it! I believe with time we remember less and in the less we find we focus on pushing aside and moving forward. This month is hard as it has so many dates that meant something at one time. Dates that were remembered with flowers and dinners and love. As time went on those dates became time lines on a calendar that referenced how far you had made it... another year... 

Today I am realizing I am perfectly imperfect - in every shape and form. I have set so many standards for myself and when I am not able to maintain that level - I feel weak. I wonder at what point in my life did I decide to be so hard on myself? When did I set these rules and raise the bar so high that I am set to continually fail? I know I do not enjoy failure - so why do I set myself up for it? 

I question life this weekend with the childish attitude of nothing being fair... cracks me up as so many times I have had this conversation with my children. The end result of the conversation always being - life is not fair!! So why do I suddenly feel childish and want to cry and dwell on this known fact? I didn't set out on this life journey with easy in mind. I knew it wouldn't be easy and was continually reminded of that fact. I think today this comes to light knowing I am tired. I am tired of the fight - I am tired of the lonely. Don't get me wrong - I have a life most would prefer to have. I have my children that I am raising with my thoughts and beliefs. I have a roof over my head and a job that pays the bills. So how can I sit her like a spoiled brat and want for more?

It's simple - I am an overly emotional woman who is perfectly imperfect. I am fully aware of the challenges I face and the change I need to set into action. It's the setting into action that has me so tired! I am a fighter in every shape and form, but I am also Crystal Rae - so simple! It's the power of knowing what change needs to take place that has my eyes wide open - its digging deep to once again find the strength to make it happen that has me exhausted. 

Two years ago I set out on a journey I knew wouldn't be easy and I am sure as this month pushes along I will have other moments that remind me of this. I hate March and I know I shouldn't.... but two years later -  I still do! My focus this month will be to rewrite my history - to make those moment that left a mark disappear with new traditions - new emotions. I am not one who hates or even likes that word... so my life journey this month will be to focus on change, find the strength I need to make it happen, and find ways to rewrite pain with laughter. 

I am fully aware I am perfectly imperfect - and now so is the world!! Being imperfect is a great quality. It automatically lets me know I can drop the bar. I can stop and breathe and focus on the stars. 

So March, here is to you and all of the dates I am about to face.... I may not have you today... but by month end I am certain to have got this! I am Crystal Rae and today is just another day.....