I grew up in a time when there was a divorce you had to pick a side. There wasn't healthy co parenting or telling the world they really tried. The families fought and put each other down. It was this standard that made me promise I would never get a divorce. There wasn't anything that couldn't be worked through or solved. That divorce was because you gave up and didn't push to make it.
When I decided to divorce, it wasn't because we couldn't work things out. I was sick of trying and I didn't want to put any more effort into it. I felt guilt because I swore I would never take this route. Even after he changed and wanted to show me we could make it last. I had no desire. I wanted something fresh and new. To be with someone that had the same interests as me. Someone that made love easy.
To this day, I believe love is easy. There are so many things in life that are hard and filled with discontent. Love shouldn't be one of them. I think as we grow older, we want to rush in. Just to feel the pink could of emotion and not be out there alone. I think we either look past the things we normally wouldn't tolerate for the buzz of fresh love, then to admit, maybe this person isn't the one.
I am not upset by my path of dating and falling for those I have. Each one has taught me a life lesson. A new chapter and a new start. Although, with each ending it hurts my heart. No one likes a break up or the turmoil that usually follows. Its hard to know the person you used to think was your everything is now just another enemy trying to find ways to bring you down.
Today, I experienced the wrath from my ending on a whole new level. This person went out of their way to attempt to get me in trouble at my job. A job that is new, and even though it can be frustrating at times, I am happy doing what I do. I enjoy the people I work with and the laughs that transpire during the day. I know without a doubt that they are true to me and have my back. We are more than just co workers - we are family!
So how can someone that I used to love with all of me and did everything in my power to give them a happy life. Suddenly want to destroy me? I felt so stupid and embarrassed that my ending was spilling into my now. I wanted to seek revenge and hurt him on every level. I wanted to take his secrets and dark corners and reveal them to the world. I wanted him to hurt just as I was hurting. I wanted to have the upper hand and show him he had messed with the wrong girl.
I went for a drive and blared my heart break country songs. I suddenly didn't feel hate or wanting to seek revenge. I actually felt bad for the man that I once had deeply loved. I thought how sad that he could turn off his heart and not blink an eye. He would go out of his way to try and destroy me. I didn't fully understand why.
I know I am far from perfect but I truly want to know that everything I do in this life is out of love and respect. That I don't discount someone or bring them down with my feelings or actions. I don't have the right to hurt someone because I am angry or want to see them feel bad about who they are. I know that life is not this simple. It takes a lot of work to ensure I keep my head and heart on this path.
I am certain that I have many more mountains to climb and my heart will be tested time and time again. This will not sway me in believing that love wins in the end.
You see, I have eyes watching my actions and listening to my words. They come to me for advice and are eager to win. The problem is, that when it comes to the heart and all they ways we feel. When there is an ending, there is no winner. There is only hurt, and confusion as to why it didn't work out they way we saw it all in our mind. There are sleepless nights and days of not focusing as we move forward into a new chapter. A new life.
I guess with all my rambling, my point I am trying to say is that we all get this one life... we get to wake up and decide what that looks like. We cant control others, how they feel, or how they react. We cant force people to fit into our stories or fast forward past the parts we just want to leave out.
What we can control is our mind and how we react to each event. To think before speaking, to take time away to vent. To not hurt someone just because we can. It takes a big person to keep the secrets and truths that were shared in moments of trust. It takes strength and courage to be the one to keep your word and walk away with your head held high. To know that just because you have the power to destroy someone, doesn't mean you should try.
I am Crystal Rae and I was faced with another harsh lesson today. Your words can have deep meaning when it comes to someone's heart. Your words can also have a dark meaning that can tear someone's world apart!.
So mind your words and speak from your heart... Tomorrows a new day and another fresh start!
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It's sad dreams do end
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