In a Heartbeat

When I fall in love, I always jump head over heels. I give all of me with out fear. Falling in love is such a great feeling. Like floating on a pink cloud. The sun seems brighter, the sky is a vibrant blue and every song on the radio sings of love and bliss. The heart is such an amazing organ. It gives us life and breathes to our soul. It makes up who we are and how we care for others. Falling for someone and knowing the feelings are mutual is the reason birds sing. Its our nature to be drawn to another human being and long for them to be ours. After all, its how we are taught life is to be. Growing old with your best friend.

I once was told the loudest sound in the world is a heart breaking. When the heart experiences emotions of the unfavorable aspect - it is crushed. The worlds colors seem plain and all the songs on the radio are that of sorrow and demise. Its crazy how the heart not only can change our pulse but our vision. You can stare at someone that used to mean the world to you and in an instant they look, sound and feel different. The bond that tied you and kept you floating is now gone.

Time, space and sound is now quiet and empty.

Then comes a day you hear the birds sing once again but this time you don't just hear them, you watch their movement and take in the colors of their wings. You start to see. The songs on the radio no longer cause pause regardless of the words being sang. You find yourself dancing to the beat at a red light. You walk through the store and no longer feel jealous of couples laughing and walking hand in hand. You begin to check out shirts in your size from the spring collection. You have a moment where life becomes about you and no longer about the goal of finding your soul mate.

Today, was that day for me. It was all different. It wasn't a constant thought on who I want to be or who I wish I was with. It was a day of just being me. Just doing the daily tasks required from an adult world and laughter in between. It was catching up with friends and sharing my latest stories.

I never thought I would be a person who was content walking through life alone. It always caused me fear thinking I would never find Mr. right but today was very different. Today, regardless of all the drama and years of attachment... there was silence in my heart. It was beating as it should for the purpose of keeping me alive.

As I continue down this path called life... I will remember my heart and how it feels to love and be loved. I will also remember todays silence and how it felt fine. I will continue to work on being a better me for me. I will take in the sun, the sky and the birds each day. Just to keep reminding myself that I am really ok.

I am Crystal Rae... perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, stubborn and now you can add patient to the list. I have a heart of gold and for that I will always be blessed. Its just now time to let my brain do the driving at let the emotions of my heart rest.

With A Cold Heart

If someone would have told me I would be 38 years old typing on my laptop in a room at my grandparents house, kids almost grown, my dog passed away, no car, and working in a heavy duty truck salvage yard.. I would have never believed it. Up until today, I have believed I was jinxed and that I always got the raw end of the deal.

I see now, clearer than ever before that every decision and every path I have gone down has been based on the decisions I have made. I know most of you are in shock as that is a typical adult thing to know. My problem is I have also focused on the image in my head society has told me the way things should be. I now understand that I have experienced so many downs in my life that I am afraid of the ups. I am always waiting for something to go wrong and when things don't, I have to run or end things to ensure I am protected from something that might happen years down the road. I don't blame myself for this. I think people deal differently and my way of dealing or not dealing could be much worse. In fact, I am happy I am now fully aware of this about myself. It helps me to grow and look for patterns to better understand myself. The part I am not happy about is that this protection mode has hurt many in my path. Most that don't understand or deserve the unnecessary drama.

I always thought I had to have someone by my side for the future. I see now that I will never have someone who adores me if I don't set the standard high enough to allow that... as well as love myself first. Happiness has got to come from within me before I will ever be compatible to ever possibly marry again. I am sad that it has taken me so many years to value me. Flaws and all. I have always put everyone else before myself and I no longer am. I am going to speak what is on my mind and try and get through life with a smile on my face. I may not have good days every day but not every day has to be bad. I always feared growing old alone. Although, something I would prefer to not have to experience, today I am good with it. If my heart and soul is so jaded that I am unable of trusting enough to give my all... why would I continue to try and hurt those in my path? Why would I put myself in situations to love someone if I am not yet capable of loving myself?

I know before I said no more lists but as of tonight I have a new list... This time not all the things I want to find in a partner but all the things I want to see, do and accomplish in my life. A list that doesn't require feedback from family, friends, etc. A list that is mine to own and feel good about.

Life doesn't always lead us down a path we expect. Life is always throwing curve balls... I have just decided that as I learn myself and what I truly want out of life.. I am not allowing outside voices to halt my growth.

Some will say I am cold hearted and have no compassion... others will say... do you! I say, I am tired of listening to what everyone has to say about me and I am giving my all to me... for once. When my day on this earth is done - you wont hear what my heart and mind felt. The things I heard and seen... You will hear all the reasons why I didn't blend with society. I'm good with that

So here's to another tomorrow and another path on my own. My heart may be cold and my mind may push everyone away... but tomorrow... I look in the mirror and do things my way!

No more being driven by what everyone else has to say...

I am perfectly imperfect, stubborn, simple, hot mess Crystal Rae and now I am learning to love myself each and every day!

It's Been Awhile

Tonight, while driving my daughter and her son home... it occurred to me how distant we have become. A child I cared for so many years had nothing to say to me on the drive home. I wanted her to know how much I have missed her. How much I long for the relationship we once had. She is a strong woman and her son loves her dearly... but I miss the days of caring for her needs and wants. This made me realize the relationship I once had with my own mother. In a day 2-3 phone conversations was a normal. As time went on, I sought to find myself and in that path... I left so many behind. I didn't do so to hurt others. I did so to protect myself. I don't think I ever thought of my path as selfish, but tonight it feels that way. My kids cant help my marriage ended or the struggles I would face as a single mom. I always thought I did the best I could but tonight I feel like I could have done better. As parents, we do not get time for a break or for a break down at that matter. We are to do our jobs day in and day out regardless. I didn't focus on the regardless... I focused on myself. I really thought in the moment I was doing best for my children, but I see much differently now.

As I sit here living in my grandparents home and dealing with real life live or die conversations, I realize how much more I wish I did. I am proud of my children for who they are all that they have become. As they do there thing and "grow up" I miss them dearly. I miss having to dress them and care for them on so many levels.. I only hope I taught them right from wrong, compassion and respect. I hope regardless of the path I was on that they know I love them with all my heart. I also hope with this mind set that I can see what pain I must have caused my family members by going on my own. We often think we are doing best for others by not being selfish but forget what a void feels like. Even if we may not agree with the decisions others have made, we have to know the human spirit needs people. People who have judged us, walked on us and also been there when others haven't. Life isn't perfect and neither are people... but the minute we close the doors to those we love the most... is the day we hurt others without knowing. I know... I miss my children on so many levels. Even though I see most of them every day... its a different level. I am their mom but I am no longer the mom. They don't need me to make life decisions or tell them what to wear. In fact,  I am sure they would wear the opposite of what I told them.

If I could do this all over I would - As I am sure most of us would. I know in my heart I gave my all... whatever depression capacity allowed me. I know that at the end of the day I would do for my kids before myself...

I write this message to say... love with all of you... every day. Don't be let down by judgement or ill feelings of yourself. Forgive but don't forget. Let life remind you of your struggles and strengths. I have been through so much the last few years. It makes you realize what is important and what isn't. I thought I could wait for my kids to grow up and see what I have dealt with... now I wish they weren't older and still naïve to the world. Adulting is so overrated.

So, my children if you are reading this... I love you with all my heart! I'm truly sorry for they things that didn't go right but am so glad you were all by my side as a family when it didn't.  I truly hope I gave you enough to be you and follow the rules of the world. Yet, also courage to take it by storm. You are only limited by your mind. Dream big! To my family if you are reading this... I am sorry I went distant. Sometimes we have to go dark to better Its so easy to judge and make life decisions from the corner. Its hard to know at the end of the day that those decisions were wrong.

If I could do it all over again... I would still love with all of my being and believe in happily ever after. I would still cry at movies and blush with jokes. I would still recall childhood memories

So, I'm Crystal Rae, Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... me... miss all those that used to be important to me. Tomorrow's a new day... and I'm already set to start making calls that don't mean much yet. In time they will and reconnections are a must. Life is too short to let it all fade to dust!

LOVE with all of you... today and tomorrow. Life is too short to be filled with any sorrow..