Words From The Heart

I grew up in a time when there was a divorce you had to pick a side. There wasn't healthy co parenting or telling the world they really tried. The families fought and put each other down. It was this standard that made me promise I would never get a divorce. There wasn't anything that couldn't be worked through or solved. That divorce was because you gave up and didn't push to make it.

When I decided to divorce, it wasn't because we couldn't work things out. I was sick of trying and I didn't want to put any more effort into it. I felt guilt because I swore I would never take this route. Even after he changed and wanted to show me we could make it last. I had no desire. I wanted something fresh and new. To be with someone that had the same interests as me. Someone that made love easy.

To this day, I believe love is easy. There are so many things in life that are hard and filled with discontent. Love shouldn't be one of them. I think as we grow older, we want to rush in. Just to feel the pink could of emotion and not be out there alone. I think we either look past the things we normally wouldn't tolerate for the buzz of fresh love, then to admit, maybe this person isn't the one.

I am not upset by my path of dating and falling for those I have. Each one has taught me a life lesson. A new chapter and a new start. Although, with each ending it hurts my heart. No one likes a break up or the turmoil that usually follows. Its hard to know the person you used to think was your everything is now just another enemy trying to find ways to bring you down. 

Today, I experienced the wrath from my ending on a whole new level. This person went out of their way to attempt to get me in trouble at my job. A job that is new, and even though it can be frustrating at times, I am happy doing what I do. I enjoy the people I work with and the laughs that transpire during the day. I know without a doubt that they are true to me and have my back. We are more than just co workers - we are family!

So how can someone that I used to love with all of me and did everything in my power to give them a happy life. Suddenly want to destroy me? I felt so stupid and embarrassed that my ending was spilling into my now. I wanted to seek revenge and hurt him on every level. I wanted to take his secrets and dark corners and reveal them to the world. I wanted him to hurt just as I was hurting. I wanted to have the upper hand and show him he had messed with the wrong girl.

I went for a drive and blared my heart break country songs. I suddenly didn't feel hate or wanting to seek revenge. I actually felt bad for the man that I once had deeply loved. I thought how sad that he could turn off his heart and not blink an eye. He would go out of his way to try and destroy me. I didn't fully understand why.

I know I am far from perfect but I truly want to know that everything I do in this life is out of love and respect. That I don't discount someone or bring them down with my feelings or actions. I don't have the right to hurt someone because I am angry or want to see them feel bad about who they are. I know that life is not this simple. It takes a lot of work to ensure I keep my head and heart on this path.

I am certain that I have many more mountains to climb and my heart will be tested time and time again. This will not sway me in believing that love wins in the end.

You see, I have eyes watching my actions and listening to my words. They come to me for advice and are eager to win. The problem is, that when it comes to the heart and all they ways we feel. When there is an ending, there is no winner. There is only hurt, and confusion as to why it didn't work out they way we saw it all in our mind. There are sleepless nights and days of not focusing as we move forward into a new chapter. A new life.

I guess with all my rambling, my point I am trying to say is that we all get this one life... we get to wake up and decide what that looks like. We cant control others, how they feel, or how they react. We cant force people to fit into our stories or fast forward past the parts we just want to leave out.

What we can control is our mind and how we react to each event. To think before speaking, to take time away to vent. To not hurt someone just because we can. It takes a big person to keep the secrets and truths that were shared in moments of trust. It takes strength and courage to be the one to keep your word and walk away with your head held high. To know that just because you have the power to destroy someone, doesn't mean you should try.

I am Crystal Rae and I was faced with another harsh lesson today. Your words can have deep meaning when it comes to someone's heart. Your words can also have a dark meaning that can tear someone's world apart!.

So mind your words and speak from your heart... Tomorrows a new day and another fresh start!



















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Family Pictures

Do you remember that day, the one when your life was completely changed? For the good? For the bad? Do you remember spending time with a loved one or close friend and not realizing how little time you had left with that person? I was going through my pictures tonight and I was overcome with emotions of sadness, happiness, and awareness. Its crazy how in a moment you don't see the entire picture. Tonight, I saw a family picture with my grandma, my grandpa and my brothers. My grandpa rarely had pictures of him smiling... This picture was no different, except he had a grin. A grin I hadn't noticed before. It suddenly made me miss him so much. I started to think of our last moments. The laughs, the way he spoke to my grandma in the mornings while trying to do his word scrambles, the nicknames and how he would snap his fingers while saying some saying that made no sense.

I also remember the disappointment when he realized I was still heavily drinking. He didn't yell at me - he didn't say anything other than I should leave if I couldn't stop. That he despised drunks. Later after his health quickly went down hill, I sat sharing a fruit smoothie with him. He was so thankful that I had brought him one. He could barely drink it and he was itching his arms and neck. He was in such misery. I wanted to say I was sorry for disappointing him and tell him that it was his look and words that changed me. That made me suddenly want to do and be better by him. Instead, we sat in silence.

I now wish I had said more.

I am certain my grief and sorrow for my grandpa being gone will take years to process. I didn't realize how much he did for my children and I until he couldn't and finally was no longer here.

Life is short, we all know that. We only get this one life to live and be who we want. You can choose what your story looks like.

My grandpa may never know what an impact he had on my life... I never told him!

I am certain I will have more moments in life where I wished I had said more or done differently. That is all part of growing and learning what your core is all about. Tonight, I cry in silence for what I have learned, what I have experienced and for what I took for granted.

There will come a day when my children and grandchild are left with a picture of me that brings a smile and tears to their eyes. They will have the same moment I had tonight. Until that day, I promise to show them love, respect and pride. It takes a strong person to say their truths out loud knowing that just invites judgement. It allows others to say and do what hurts most.

I am afraid of so much in this world. Telling my children how much they mean is not one of them. I may have not followed the right path but I am here now. I am more me than I have ever been.

I am Crystal Rae and once again I had a rough day. I am fully aware of my surroundings and the life I want to live. I am not hiding in the darkness or letting my fears win. I am focused on dancing, laughing and sharing life moments with those that matter the most to me. Everything and everyone else... well, they are just a part of my history!

"Say what you mean for those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"

Monster's Under My Bed

I love to write and express my emotions on paper. It's so much easier to say what you want to let the world know, when the words have no sounds. When there is no audience to judge. As I sit here today, I once again am aware of my issues, my need to run and my addictions. I have worked so hard to be better than the image of me before. Each time I question why I do what I do? Each time I have the same answer... Its who you are! The choices I made and environment I allowed myself to be in created the monsters inside of me. The more I research, the more I read, the more I understand... I am not normal. I am not ideal based on what society has set as standards. I know I am different. I know I am not like any other woman. I know my crazy moments and my insane overthinking are all the qualities that set me above the rest. I am honest and I am trying to be the best me! I also know that I cant put my progress and achievements in the worlds eyes. I know how far I have come and I know how hard I worked to get where I am today. I don't sit and drown in vodka, nor do I seek false pleasures from other aspects. I work, I clean, I plan family nights two days a week that set my heart and mind on fire. I am loving having a house filled with dancing, laughter, and the sound of my grandson wanting "nana"! Not something that would have happened a year or so ago. The people that walk through my door truly want to be here and look forward to hang time. Those are the moments that I am so proud of myself for the work and effort I have put into MYSELF!

Initially, I was told I was selfish for withdrawing myself. I was told that I would end up alone for not caring anymore. I have a heart of gold! There is nothing that would ever change that! I think of everyone else before myself, always! I am sure I always will. I just don't have to go out of my way to help others when its my heart and soul that needs saving! I don't say that statement as a victim or a need to make other feel sorry for me. I say that with an awareness that I have neglected myself  for so long! I have put my fears, my thoughts, my pain, and my strengths on the back burner for as long as I can remember. I cant change my past... nor can I change the way my brain and body deals with stress. I cant help my need to run. I cant help my need to shut everyone out! Its safe. Its easy and I don't have to deal with anything. I was molested as a very young child and then I was taken advantage of by two boys at 16. I was certain my bad choices are what lead to my situation.  I missed out on a calling to model in New York, I did not believe I was worthy of a good life or feeling happy. I could list a dozen more moments that would make you cringe. One moment after another all throughout my life! I have been used and abused on every level. Each moment left me looking at my reflection in the mirror wishing today was my last. I was bullied as young child and I prayed so hard to be smart and beautiful. Now, I pray to be seen and heard for who I am. Not what I look like or what I say. I am so much more than that. I know as a person I am not ideal from a normal persons view. I have taken so many punches, so many heartbreaks and so many stomach kicks. Each time I am screwed over or stolen from. The bad part is that I don't even flinch anymore.

So lets fast forward... I met a man that would take a bullet for me. The problem is I don't believe I am worthy of his affection, so I run! I run and avoid any conflict, any chance at getting to know each other with disagreements. I push him away any chance I get. Its the way I feel safe. Its the way I control not having to be vulnerable or feeling stupid! I know me and I know the minute I feel something I don't want to.... I RUN!

Its not a feel good when I have the awareness of how it hurts everyone around me. I cant help it and I wish I could. I wish I could stop myself or do something different. I have to come to terms with it is who I am. I have shut out so many dear family members  and friendships due to my need to run. Its safe, its easy and it doesn't require me to say or deal with anything I don't want to. 

I don't have to feel, be, see, hear, or speak of anything that makes me feel bad. Well, that is not life nor is that how it should work! Its a cowards way. It says, I don't have to face what scares most and that is not how life works. What scares us most is what drives us. I am avoiding my drive.

I will never understand why some people have it worse than others. I will never understand why some fall in love at 16 years old and have happily ever after. While some others go through relationship after relationship never finding the one they can keep. I am fully aware of my darkness and what I need to do to. I also am aware that after spending years hiding in my room, I have made huge strides. I keep my raw emotions to myself. I don't want to let anyone have power over me.

So scary that my situational moments have made me seem hard, cold, unloving! Let me ask you... what would you have done? How would you have acted to keep your monsters at bay and yet still letting the world thinking you were just fine! haha...  I honestly cant remember the last time I felt... just fine! I have felt stupid, insecure, used, unappreciated, too soft, too hard, etc! I know I am my own worst enemy and I know... the only way I am going to make it in this world is to be honest! My word, my actions are all I have. I cant control if someone believes me or not but I can control what I am out in this world doing.

I am sorry for lost friendships and lost connections with family members that meant the most to me. I wish they understood. I wish the word understood. I wish people were never put in a position of having to develop ways to protect their heart, body and mind. I wish icky people didn't hurt good people. I wish those that worked the hardest didn't have to make the world believe they are good people.

Each time these moments happen, I learn something new. I see that my protection mode hurts others and I see that I can only expect from other what I am willing to give. Why would anyone give me their heart and put me first when I am waiting to run??

So, here I am again... alone, left to face the monsters under my bed! The one thing that used to comfort me now scares me. I now see who I have pushed away. I now see that the easy road has left me lonely.

Starting now, I am no longer running from what scares me. I am facing it head on! I am tired of being something different, I am tired of having to explain why I do what I do. I am sick of being told I do things different.

I am Crystal Rae, I am scared, I am hurt, and I am afraid of letting the world truly see me. I am also tired of losing those that matter so much to me. So go forward, despite the cost.. I am giving all of me to this world without overthinking the cost. This isn't going to heal the past or give the future any reason to believe otherwise, but it sure forces me to be in the present and to stand tall.

What is the worst thing that could happen?? I actually have someone to catch me when I fall?