Finally free

I woke today from another blurred night. Another night of drama and irrational thoughts. Which always amazes me how I can go from confident Crystal Rae to believing I deserve the words and actions of a crazy person. I want to be happy and 90% of the time I am... It's when the darkness starts to fill my head that I suddenly believe every lie that has been told! I am crazy, I am a loser, I am not worthy of being treated with love or respect... I am not...

As I sit here today, I know I am... I am worthy of a life of happiness and I am worth so much! I have amazing children, amazing friends, amazing family and an amazing boyfriend! My life is filled with more laughter than tears and although I'm barely providing for my children... Barely will pass with time! I have goals and dreams and I believe love is not just a four letter word!! I know my weakness is to drift off to the darkness and believe what the lies have to say. I am my own worst enemy! I also know that with time and the support of those that love me most the icky parts of my life won't be my go to point anymore! Why do I share this? Why do I write this today?!?

To simply tell the world and myself that I am okay! I don't have to got this... I don't have to run and hide... I need to open my heart and soul and admit to what I hide! I'm not perfect but who the heck is? I'm a single mom trying my best to undo all I did! Today I celebrated my daughter and her two month old son and tonight I host my sons first co ed party for his 14th birthday! I am doing life and giving it all I got!! I have a roof over my head and am seeking all I sought!! I am broken but who isn't - I'm just tired of the past and focused on the present! I'm just like everyone else... I have issues and problems but I choose to live through them vs hiding and hoping for the best!

To you all that have stood by my side.. I truly thank you as I know this hasn't been an easy ride! To those that judge me and make me me feel weak... I pray for you and hope you find what you seek!

I'm tired, it's been a rough few years but as of today I'm not shedding anymore years! I'm letting go and I'm doing me.... Look out world this girl is finally free!

All Before The Sun Came Up!!

I woke this morning with a strange glow and a cheesy smile on my face. Such a foreign feeling for a Monday morning! I am not a morning person. I drag myself out of bed at the last possible minute and rush to make it to work on time. The guys at work always tease me about my 8:06 am starting time!

This morning, I rolled out of bed before my alarm went off! WHAT??!? I know right? Not something that I can say typically happens on a weekday!!

Today, felt different…. This whole week actually… a constant and I don’t want it to end!

My son had his last football game this weekend. I enjoy football and even more when my son’s playing. He played offense part of the game and I proudly cheered him on with his total of 70 yards throughout the game! The best part of this Saturday afternoon were the people by my side. My BF aka my soul sister and her wonderful children cheering on Lockwood as they shared sunflower seeds and candy with my beautiful daughter. My brother and his adorable son…. I always love catching up with him and kissing on my nephew! My dad, who proudly gave me thumbs up with each play Jonny had possession of the ball…. Annnd a tall handsome gentleman, who I proudly call my boyfriend, standing hand in hand with me regardless of the blistering heat!! An amazing man who didn’t even flinch to spend his birthday hanging out with my family and me cheering the afternoon away!

It was in that moment that I once again was reminded of the power of prayer. The power of faith…

I spend so much of my time worrying and stressing over things out of my control. Crazy, as I look at the past few years of my life, everything has worked out for the better! Every one of my life changing moments pushed me to my knees and in return he showed me patience and a better path through my prayer! His path… not mine!

I am now at a point in my life where I am no longer hiding behind my bedroom door. I am less afraid and anxious about leaving my home. I have a relationship with my baby girl that I thought would never be possible. I thoroughly enjoy our daily talks and laughs. I am watching my son grow into a young adult and am learning all the right lingo to say… totally Rad! Haha! I still have my struggles in learning to let my oldest baby girl live on her own but I am certain with time and continued prayer our connection will be stronger than ever before!

As of today, there are no more stereotypical names for me…

No more perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, broken me!


Just a smiling me who is thankful for the power of prayer and all that is happening in my life.

To open my eyes each morning, happy, healthy and enjoying all the simple things most take for granted.

I am Crystal Rae and my advice for you today… right, wrong, up, down, inside or out...

PRAY

Even in my silence

What do I want to say today?!? I feel like I have so much rattling through my brain and my heart...
And yet I sit here in silence! My ears listening to the nearby sounds of traffic. My nose smelling the neighbors cooking outside. My eyes watching my dog laying on the porch.

I have struggled for so long with silence. With the thoughts that fill my mind and the darkness that surrounded those thoughts. The struggle to feel what everyone who truly loves me sees that I couldn't or wouldn't! I believed for so long that my life was destined to be chaos based on the choices I've made. As if there was a life reward system for being a good person!!

I'm now finding that I enjoy the silence and my thoughts are no longer surrounded by doom and gloom... I'm waking up smiling and less fearful of what lurks outside my bedroom door! I've always had this ideal life pictured in my mind and when the pieces didn't fit I was lost! I longed for that embrace and words telling me I was okay in order to feel it! At some point, some magical person would come into my life and all the broken pieces would fit and my past pain and struggles would be gone!! I know that sounds silly... But I truly longed for that easy button! I put my hopes and dreams on a shelf and pondered day after day on why so much strangeness fills my life!

Then it hit me.... My life is mine! It's filled with drama and stories I truly couldn't make up if I tried! When I share my stories with my twist of humor... People laugh! My friends look forward to hearing what's going on in my life! I don't know if they walk away with a feeling of... My life could be worse or joy with my flare for story telling and all I put up with in a day!! Regardless, I love sharing my day and my struggles with my friends! I love laughing and discussing how messed up this world is! I can't change the past and I surely don't want it to change me! I'm known for my strength and confidence and I dig that!! I'm also known for matching nail polish, my shoes matching my outfit, getting lost on a one way street and car troubles that are insanely stupid! I dig that so many people know me and laugh about my strange ways! Some call me crazy... Others know that to not be true! What I know is that life is the here and now and the longer I ponder on what I should of, could of, would of done... I missed another day!

I'm happy today, in fact I woke up smiling... Yes, even after a loss to the stupid patriots! I spent an night catching up with good friends and remembering what laughing feels like! I'm not perfect... I'm far from it but I'm pretty darn amazing! I can't say that I will feel this every day but today was good!

I know all of us struggle with demons and wish things were different but the reality is they aren't!! I want to feel okay every day but I also know I won't! So I'm thankful for those that embrace my kind of crazy and actually call to hear about my day and ask how I am! My response will always be okay but I love those that know different! I'm Crystal Rae, perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, me and now you can add broken to the list! My pieces to the puzzle might not fit as the world prefers but I'm okay with that! I'm unique and a catch for not just any man! I want someone who embraces my goals and dreams as well as loving my core!!

So, today I'm okay with the silence and focusing on my dreams! I don't know what the future holds for me but today I'm okay not knowing! I'm learning to love life and rock the now!!

So here's to today and embracing the silence I feared for so long!

I'm Crystal Rae and I'm more right than I'm wrong!

I can't wait for tomorrow and all the adventures I'll have to share!!

As the saying goes.. You get what you get - don't throw a fit and life is not fair!!!

So laugh tonight... Love those that mean so much!! Embrace life and never discount reaching out and sharing your touch! A hug may matter more than you know...

Love at first sight!!

Once again this has been a hard week for me! Not moving stress or having to pay for two locations stress... Or afraid of the dark stress! The deepest form I've ever experienced! My daughter went into labor this week and due to fear of complications she refused to have her water broken! I respected this but after 3 trips to the labor and delivery and hours upon hours of her being in labor without drugs... I questioned her sanity! I admired her strength for an all natural labor but wondered after 24 hours of pain if she would cave.... I also smiled knowing her stubborn attitude came directly from her mama!!! As expected she did give and allow them to do what they had to do...

Out of all things I've experienced in life, I can tell you watching my first child in labor and screaming in pain was the hardest thing I've dealt with! I wanted to make her pain go away but as a mother of three I knew exactly what she was going through and it was the only way!! I rubbed her back and applied cold cloths to her head... It was all I could do...I felt helpless in making her pain easy!

The moment finally came and I assisted with the birth of my grandson.

Up until that moment I stressed how she would do this, how she would pay for everything and how she would follow a better path than I! The moment he was born and on her chest crying.. My perspective changed! He was beautiful and mad at the nurses wiping him off... I stared in awe in the moment without  a tear! I worried for months how she would make it. How she would provide for a baby... But in that moment... It suddenly didn't matter! He was healthy and she was doing well... They stared into each other eyes for 20 mins. He knew his mama and she knew her life was forever changed!

Let's go back in time... Once in my life I was a wife, a mother and a career woman! I struggled with the balances of doing it all ... But I had a purpose... As life went on, I divorced and watched my kids grow with less needs from their mom as before. I was lost for so long... I didn't get this until the birth of my grandson!

He was so handsome and his cries made me want to hold him.... In a instant I was in love! Love at first sight! His forehead wrinkled as he cried and I just wanted to hold him!!! I'm sure the nurse didn't appreciate me rushing her so I could get him in my arms!!!

I balanced spending as much time with my daughter as I could as well as continuing to work and then back to see her after. I was exhausted!! In my tired state I also felt a fire inside that I haven't felt in years! I feel closer to my daughter than ever before and instead of focusing on fears of the future... I was and still am excited! I not only get to watch my daughters next chapter but be by her side while she writes it! I get to watch my children participate in their nephews life! I also have seen a new joy in my family's faces! It's amazing what one little boy has done without even knowing it!

I have a new purpose in life, a new role and a new name!

I am Crystal Rae... Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... Me
and now you can call me grandma!!!

I write all of this with a grin and I can't wait for this next chapter of the book...

His name is Chance Michael and I'm absolutely hooked!!!

All the lights are on

It's a Saturday night and I am once again home alone. I have recently moved into a new home, so all the silence, creaks, and typical house sounds are new to me....

I am afraid!! 

I sit here in my bed wide awake at 1am. I'd like to sleep but with each sound in the night, my heart races. I've played over and over in my mind each possible scenario... Where I hide, how fast I dial 911 and exactly what I say.... Probably not a typical Saturday night for most!!! 

I became a single mom of three at a very young age. I remember sleepless nights longing for silence and peace! Funny, as I sit here tonight with all my kids off doing summer things... I long for the noise! I want to hear Haley's music playing too loud and Jonny yelling at her to turn it down! I want to hear them fight over belongings the other shouldn't have touched. I want to hear my Bana B call me and tell me her and baby Chance are well... I want to hear anything but silence!!

All the lights are on in my home and I still find no comfort. I'm not sure at this point if the sounds are real or If my paranoid spidey senses are playing with my mind! I've never been afraid of the dark but tonight I am!!!! Being alone is hard and letting my mind get the best of me is even worse! I want to be strong, I want to be the independent badass woman who needs no one... As I lay in bed tonight, I would do anything to have company... Someone to tell me it will all be okay!!! 

I spent the day rocking to music and unpacking the rest of my boxes. My brother installed a bolt lock on my door and helped me hang curtains to keep the night shadows out... It felt good! I felt at home and safe! As the sun went down and my neighbors shot off fireworks sending my Bella Roo into a panicked barking rage... My heart beat raced.... The what ifs began and suddenly every noise sent my mind into a whirlwind of fear! How would I protect myself? How would I fight back? How would I ensure my safety.... How??!? 

Each time I tried to sleep, I would focus on my breathing and mental prayers for safety and rest! As I focused I would find I was sleeping but my mind was still awake. I would startle myself with my own snoring! Such a strange thing to be so mentally awake that you hear yourself sleeping!! 

I am simple Crystal Rae and afraid of so much.....

I can't wait for the day that my life isn't such a fearful rush!! 

I'm so tired and yet so focused to do better this time! 

I'm too old to be afraid of the night! 

As I lay in bed with every light on... I pray for my fears to be gone! 

I'm far from perfect but I'm honest and true...

And at 37 years... I lay here waiting for the sunlight to shine through

To wash my fears and all be okay... If only just for a day!!! 

I'm Crystal Rae and I'm afraid of the dark!!  

 

Maybe... Just Maybe...

It's been awhile since I've posted here... 3 years to be exact!

I'm amazed as I read through my previous posts how much has changed and yet how much hasn't!
We all have wants and desires.. To be successful, a good parent, a good spouse... A good person!
What I have learned these past 3 years is that life is too short to be unhappy and yet most are drawn to drama and negativity. Life is hard, there's no arguing that.. But in our hardest moments we find ourselves! By now you know I'm Crystal Rae.. Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... Me! What you may not know is I always put my heart on the line. I do for others as I long to be done for me. When my bucket is empty and I find only a few to help me fill it back up... I feel worthless.
Strange to say as most find me confident and strong.... Turns out in the dark of night.. Not so much!

I am amazing and I do have more strange incidents in my life than most but that's okay! Each moment brings me closer to understanding me! The real me, that is! The one who builds so many walls to let the world believe she's okay! Turns out I'm not okay..  Not okay! I'm rasing my kids alone and living paycheck to paycheck! I don't feel secure in my life and I'm constantly worrying about what's next! Turns out I'm human and living the same life as 80% of Americans! I want happily ever after... The hallmark card relationship! Problem is most at my age have scars and arent willing to unpack with fears of being hurt again! I get it I guess but I'm always so willing to do for others that I also don't understand trust issues or jealousy. So as a woman closer to her 40's than she'll ever admit... What advice do I have tonight??? Love with all your heart... Sing in the shower and of course, dance like no ones watching! Embrace your soul and love your body! Life is simple... It truly is! It's in my moments of fear and darkness that I realize how special I am! I'm one who is known for her honesty and expressing exactly how I feel! I should never feel bad for that!

I find if you focus on all the wrongs in life - you will never truly be happy!

As I write all of this.. I know I'm far from "I got this" but I also know I will always put my heart and soul in all I do! I will never give up and I will always have Disney dreams!

Maybe... Just maybe, my day will finally come! I will feel secure and well with who I am and what I want from life! I won't stop and seek approval or even care what others think!

Maybe... Just maybe, this life of chaos will all make sense and I will continue to laugh the entire way!

Maybe.. Just maybe.. I'll meet the man of my dreams and we will have that life I dream of!

Or maybe, just maybe... It will be okay with or without!!!

I'm Crystal  Rae .. And maybe regardless of all it will be okay and maybe... Just maybe... It was never destined to go my way!

I've got to let go and truly have faith!

And then maybe, just maybe... what's meant to be will fall into place!!!