Sunrises and Sunsets

I have stated numerous times how I dislike March. How it contains so many dates that are hard to digest. In order to push through this month I decided to focus on the sunrises and sunsets. The magical colors in the sky were my only hope of making it day by day until I could finally smile at the thought of April 1st - April Fools Day!!! To some this day is filled with practical jokes and laughter. For me it is a day that meant strength, change, a new focus. I still love to play pranks and bring those around me laughter but deep inside the day has much more meaning.

My approach of sunrises and sunsets was working. I would call my best friend every morning over coffee and we would force each other to stare at the morning sky. In amaze of its beauty... reminded of a higher power that must be to create such morning delight. The colors would light my eyes with the glowing of the pink, red, purple, and blue colors... if that wasn't enough add the morning sun as it peeks through to ensure you're watching! I would then groan at the thought of getting dressed and heading to work to continue through the daily routine of life. As the hours past by, I would once again get my view with a reminder night was closely approaching with the glow of an orange, red, and pink sunset. This would follow with a bright moon and a night sky filled with stars. Once again I had made another day, another night.... next!!!

As I was cleaning my room tonight I was distracted by the distant sounds of the Xbox playing in the living room. As I approached, I could see my children dancing and laughing.... I paused....

Dancing with my children is nothing new, in fact it is something we do quite frequently. It was just tonight that I realized I was missing out on so much by focusing on my sunrises and sunsets - I was letting life pass me by!

So it's March, so what?? As I share with my friends and family my current struggles and life changes I hear the same thing over and over.... "Crystal you are the strongest person we know - look at everything you have done and accomplished"! So why has it taken me so long to feel this? Yes!!! Yes, I am Crystal Rae and I am Epic!

For those that know me - I bet you can hear me laughing out loud, grinning ear to ear!! I don't say this in a form of being egotistical or above all others... I say these things with a pink cloud in my future!

For the first time in quite awhile I feel energized - I feel challenged... not weak, not a failure, not a not but a will!! I will...

So I sit here tonight watching my son proudly draw angry birds free hand and show me each one. I sit watching my daughter drink a nutrition shake that we are sharing after attempting day one of Jillian Michaels 6 week six pack abs and can hear my oldest daughter in her room jamming to music happy to finally have earned her cell phone back! I can hear my dog flopping around in the distance and the kitten meowing as they play....

For being simple Crystal Rae, I lead a pretty complex life and as of today I no longer hide from it! I will still watch the sunrise and follow it up with a sunset and stars - just no more avoiding the best parts.... the in-betweens!

Here's to today, tomorrow, and the next..... I finally got this!

Not For Rent

I have always been told when one door closes another one opens. I think there were moments in my life when I found this to be true. Today I experience a door closing.... I have seen the next door open but I believe somethings aren't meant to happen one after another. It takes time for us to have the strength to not only see the  door but feel the need to open it. We all have dreams, we have doubt... we have strength and with that comes weakness. I have found in my weakness is when I find my true self. When I see the things I don't want to understand about myself. Someone recently told me "Crystal you are too hard on yourself. You don't see what you have accomplished in life, but what you have failed" I find myself amazed to hear this as its exactly true. I have given so much, given up even more, and yet find those considered my friends are the first to push me down. I don't ask for alot and I know simple Crystal Rae is far more complex than I would like to world to see. You have learned I am overly emotional, perfectly imperfect... I get this now! I get this with a smile! I have been hurt by those around me, just as I have hurt those around me in return. Perspective is an amazing thing - always two sides to a story. I smile not in knowing I have hurt others, but in knowing on this journey called my life that each step has brought me closer to me. I am known for my strength and confidence... those that know me best, know otherwise.
I don't write tonight seeking attention or words of praise. I write tonight knowing life is a journey and I have closed yet another chapter. I have a heart of gold - a heart that has been beat down time and time again. Each time I am able to stand up... to keep moving forward! I finally realize my heart is not for rent. Its not a space you get to occupy with a down payment. My heart is best suited for those that want to stay. Want a piece that lasts forever regardless of the path of life or the differences that may come. You can love someone in a moment and know it will last a lifetime. This goes for family, friends, children, pets, etc... love has no boundaries! What I have learned today and feel more than ever is that life can change in a moment. I have seen this over and over again. Although we may not always understand the meaning, we know whats is in our heart! It takes great strength to put our heart out there and listen and follow - it takes even greater strength to let our mind take the lead when we know our heart is loving for all the wrong reasons.
I am proud to call me Crystal Rae - even in my darkest moments, I am proud of the way I care - the way I see life. My glass may not always be half full.... but my heart is! I have a heart of gold - something not many can say. I believe in happily ever after and know I will find it someday! In the meantime I will dance and embrace life with all my flaws... for I am Crystal Rae and my heart is no longer for rent!

Perfectly Imperfect

Today is a hard day for me - this whole weekend rather.... It's March. March is a symbol of so many things. The birds are playful and spring is in the air... This sets my soul on fire. I have a need for the sun and the warmth it brings. My toes scream to be let free, as my flip flop collection begs to be worn. March also is the month that brought so much change into my life. A change that felt energizing - a new start - a new life! I now am experiencing March again - two years later with less of an energy. I said at the start of this I would have good days and bad - today feels bad! Don't get me wrong - this isn't doom and gloom or the start of dark and twisty Crystal. This is just a month that causes reflection. Reflection just as looking in a mirror brings to light the many flaws that cant be covered with make up. 

My mind is a wonderful thing - it can be so creative - so full of wisdom... It also can be my worst enemy and ponder on things I should have let go, or want to let go! They say time heals all wounds... I don't believe it! I believe with time we remember less and in the less we find we focus on pushing aside and moving forward. This month is hard as it has so many dates that meant something at one time. Dates that were remembered with flowers and dinners and love. As time went on those dates became time lines on a calendar that referenced how far you had made it... another year... 

Today I am realizing I am perfectly imperfect - in every shape and form. I have set so many standards for myself and when I am not able to maintain that level - I feel weak. I wonder at what point in my life did I decide to be so hard on myself? When did I set these rules and raise the bar so high that I am set to continually fail? I know I do not enjoy failure - so why do I set myself up for it? 

I question life this weekend with the childish attitude of nothing being fair... cracks me up as so many times I have had this conversation with my children. The end result of the conversation always being - life is not fair!! So why do I suddenly feel childish and want to cry and dwell on this known fact? I didn't set out on this life journey with easy in mind. I knew it wouldn't be easy and was continually reminded of that fact. I think today this comes to light knowing I am tired. I am tired of the fight - I am tired of the lonely. Don't get me wrong - I have a life most would prefer to have. I have my children that I am raising with my thoughts and beliefs. I have a roof over my head and a job that pays the bills. So how can I sit her like a spoiled brat and want for more?

It's simple - I am an overly emotional woman who is perfectly imperfect. I am fully aware of the challenges I face and the change I need to set into action. It's the setting into action that has me so tired! I am a fighter in every shape and form, but I am also Crystal Rae - so simple! It's the power of knowing what change needs to take place that has my eyes wide open - its digging deep to once again find the strength to make it happen that has me exhausted. 

Two years ago I set out on a journey I knew wouldn't be easy and I am sure as this month pushes along I will have other moments that remind me of this. I hate March and I know I shouldn't.... but two years later -  I still do! My focus this month will be to rewrite my history - to make those moment that left a mark disappear with new traditions - new emotions. I am not one who hates or even likes that word... so my life journey this month will be to focus on change, find the strength I need to make it happen, and find ways to rewrite pain with laughter. 

I am fully aware I am perfectly imperfect - and now so is the world!! Being imperfect is a great quality. It automatically lets me know I can drop the bar. I can stop and breathe and focus on the stars. 

So March, here is to you and all of the dates I am about to face.... I may not have you today... but by month end I am certain to have got this! I am Crystal Rae and today is just another day.....