Self Doubt

I think we all have those the moments in life that causes us to sit down and wonder what we were thinking... I have always been a big believer of everything happens for a reason or finding a reason for everything that has happened. It helps my sanity if I can put the pieces together and uncover a hidden mystery I had no clue was developing all along into something bigger. I have struggled with my mental health, self esteem and finding my purpose in life. Being able to have infinitive proof at the end of the day that tells me I matter...

That sounds so silly in my head as I read that back to myself. Of course I matter! I am a Mom, a Nana, a friend, a hopeful writer and a dreamer. I am a huge fan of love. I think love should win over all else every time. I know this is not practical and rarely proves to be true anymore. Everyone is so quick to give up. To throw in the towel at the first sign of something they don't like or don't want to compromise on. The older I get the more I find people are damaged and unwilling to honestly and openly unpack their baggage. They would rather find fault and point fingers in order to prevent heartache or heaven forbid a real love story with a happy ending.

I don't know why I have to learn things the hard way in life. Every path I take, every decision I make, every situation I deal with is an exhausting battle. I am not sure what I am fighting for these days. I feel like I am the bad guy in some cheesy cop movie and even though I could have escaped a million times, I stayed because it was the right thing to do. The right thing to do is constantly giving me more grief it seems than if I was just dishonest... Now, I am not encouraging anyone to make poor choices on purpose or commit illegal activities. I am simply stating my frustrating towards the amount of things in life that are more often times in the wrong and getting away with it and then having life hand them a prize. A reward for bypassing honesty, a break for knowing an easy way out and a golden ticket to a life of ease at someone else's expense.

My life has been stuck on repeat for years now. Although, my poor choices aren't as poor and my life isn't currently at risk of death from natural gas poisoning or an ex attempting to kill me... my life is hard! By that I mean, if  I don't get up everyday and do the things needed to be done, they don't get done! Why did I set myself up to be the strong, doesn't need anyone type of woman? Its a been a long road and I am tired of feeling like a let down and I am tired of saying I am sorry for things I don't believe I did wrong. I am so tired of the fight, I cave just to get it to stop. The angry words, the bad feelings in my stomach, the thoughts of being worthless or unloved. All emotions I don't do well with. It only sends me down a path of reflection on who I am, why I have done the things I have done and why I have such immense pain I carry with me. You have to admit... surviving an explosion and fire from a natural gas leak is pretty out there. How many can say they have experienced that and if so are alive to tell the story? I struggle with feeling blessed for the outcome and then wondering why I was so "lucky" to have lived.

My thoughts are here to hopefully help someone see that unhappy, unhealthy thoughts are something everyone struggles with at some point. Some are able to express it more openly than others. Most still believe mental illness on any level is a sign of weakness or something to never discuss. They are afraid of what having a mental illness means for them and about them.

I am the opposite. I want to learn everything I can about my PTSD. I want to prepare and bring an awareness to my triggers and maybe help those I love most understand what I feel, what happens after those feelings arise and the best ways to deal with them. How cool would it be if we became educated in others and learned to work through them vs using those moments as painful stabs in future arguments or looked at them as if they were less than you because they were brave enough to disclose the information surrounding the band-aid on their brain.

The issue with mental illness on any level is that is doesn't provide job security, it doesn't gain you popularity nor does it do anything more than isolate you even deeper from the outside world. It likes to hold you prisoner in your own mind and body and make you feel different, unimportant, and very often a burden to the other people around you.

Let me say this as matter as fact as I can.... If you are struggling with your thoughts, do not be so stubborn or embarrassed to speak up. I know in my darkest moments I was certain ending my life would make things simple for me. It would allow me to not give up, not stress what comes next or if I was strong enough to resolve the issue all while dealing with everything else life throws my way. In those moments I feel as if my loved ones are better off with out me. That there life would be so much easier if I wasn't a part of it.

The truth is that there life just might be easier in the long run BUT what is not being told is the ways others feel or react when they have an understanding and want to help.. you suddenly see a different side to people. You find that they reach out in the silence, not because you are burden but most often times, because they have been there and they understand what it feels like to have no one there when you feel like life is out of control.

Life is hard... we all have our silent battles we fight and we all have our demons that come out to play. We all react to situations differently and we all respond in our fight or flight modes differently. That is what makes us unique. That is what keeps our lifelines flowing and that is what keeps our hearts beating. Finding those who want to learn and want to be compassionate to the emotions in the moment are truly what keeps us ticking. Imagine if we all lived lives that required no self reflection, no direction and no second guesses. We would all be lame, tired, boring people. We would all be alone going crazy with our thoughts on what is up and what is down.

Its not what life throws at us that matters. Its of course how we handle those moments that define who we are. This is by no means me saying any of this easy This is me saying... if you are hurting tell someone. Even if that hurt is constant for days, weeks, months... find your people and say it out loud.

Just find something or someone to keep you holding on one more day. You may not seeing the rational behind it all now, but in the future  you will.. and you will be grateful you held on for one more day and then one more day after that!

I am Crystal Rae and I am just as tired today as I was yesterday and the day before. My mind is beyond frazzled and I am uncertain what options I have to mend the issues and get to the end game. There was no manual on any of this but I can say without a doubt that my life is worth it and trying to control tomorrow is not something that will ever be a value add.

So please say your troubles out loud,  map it out and seek those that bring you up. Do not allow others to use you, make you feel like you are hard to love. No body is unlovable and if another human decides to make you feel bad about yourself on any level... Walk away!

You don't have to fight, you don;t have to make excuses and you certainly do not have to tolerate mean words or actions. A person will say so much about who they are. Just sit back and watch. ...

there is nothing in this world that says a good person has to put up with bad things. Its how we react and how we treat others that define who we are. If you walk away from a situation knowing you purposely harmed another person and don't feel you are obligated to make that right, or express your sadness for the decisions made... then you have a definition of you as a person. If you are hurt and do not express that to the other, then you can't be upset for unspoken words.

The silence in our minds is what brings us to knees. The isolation we find outselves in when we feel down, and the words we chose to express all of the above is what needs to be focused on! Words leave a print on the brain and heart, actions after decide what emotion is left with those scars.

So if none of my words are relatable today... do me a favor and keep this one sentence forever in your pocket. Keep it where you can take it out and read it next time you feel the need to purposely hurt another soul...

Your one sentence using words of anger can permanently scar another person for life. It can change their reflection in mirror, there laughter, there tears.... Your one sentence can make or break a person to the core. So before you blurt those words out ... consider the person's soul and ask yourself if what you are about to say is worth a lifetime of self doubt?

And a random text

As far back as I can remember I have felt pain, sorrow and guilt on levels I can’t begin to explain. I tried drowning them out with vodka and sarcasm!
These emotions only magnified with the natural gas I was unknowingly, consuming, day after day the past two years. To add insult to injury I brought a monster into my home that played Prince Charming and really sought pleasure in tormenting and abusing me on every level. His torment escalated to him attempting to kill me on 1/29/20... he was unsuccessful but the lump on my eyebrow and memory of that day still reminds me of the hell I fight!
Let’s not forget to mention the ex prior to that still going to every extreme possible to destroy me... why?? Well, because he loves me.... yeah, right!!!
I had DFS raid my home, I lost my car, several jobs, became an empty nester, had to put my pup Ricky down, was accused of being a drug addict and lastly survived an explosion and house fire from a natural gas leak... a leak that was poisoning me for two years straight! I reached a low I prayed I wouldn’t wake another day to feel!  I hate typing that but it’s my truth.... I wasn’t living, in fact I was dying!!

My hell continued after the blast as I was being forced out of another hotel; no food, money or gas to money to my name. All because of the ex(s) drama! My life was beyond insane! Everything was out of my control! I lost my sense of direction and wasn’t sure which way to go! I was living in fear and sustaining mental abuse on levels that had me broken to my core!

Little did I know, this was about to all change... all thanks to a random message that popped up on my phone looking for the return of a borrowed pair of binoculars. In my panicked state this person offered assistance and I gladly accepted. I was exhausted in ways I never wish to feel again.... I hate asking for help but I knew I needed him.

I just didn’t know how much...

“They” say it will find you when you least expect it... for example on a random Wednesday when an acquaintance offers to help out a stressful situation!

That day he helped move my things, and listened to me dump out years worth of build up from my my soul! I felt safe and oddly I missed his presence when he left. I messaged thanking him for his help and I really didn’t think I’d see him again. I was a little embarrassed for my constant chatter and yet it felt so good to get all of it off my chest. I slept like a rock for the first time in months!

I can’t tell you the exact moment I knew it but I can say I without a doubt I knew it...
This amazing man; saw beyond my tears and horrible mental scars and fought to ignite the spark in my blue eyes. He saw kindness, laughter, witty puns, singing and dancing to my country roots! This human being protected me and fought to bring me back to life! He did all of this without selfish motives. He did it because he knew it was right and because he became addicted to seeing me crawl out of the darkness and damage I had been trapped under for so long! He craved my smile!

The moment we both realized what we found was such a profound day...  1/8/2020! The perfect date on every level! His presence made the unplanned spur of the moment road trip my favorite of all time (so far)! I found my person! He takes pictures of me dancing with my littles, stares at me from the distance with pride and admiration of the girl I was revealing! The real, raw me! I now cry from joy and happiness for this new life I am living. I wake smiling and I fall asleep belly laughing! I have more stories, memories and inside jokes these past few months than the last 10 years of my life! Every horrible moment, questioned path and uncertainty was leading me to truly living! I could never have dreamed this type of connection was destined for me! The man of my dreams.... committed to doing everything together next to me!

On 2/28 I raised my right hand in oath, while sitting next to my hero! We placed rings on our left hands that mean more than any situation or persons can take away! Happiness isn’t just word, it’s a state of mind! I don’t know how long we’ve been together. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore besides him and I waking up next to each other. Him and I dancing to Baby Shark with the grand babies and sharing funny stories with the Tweeners. Life is so much different these days... a different I needed! I always said I didn’t need anyone in my life and I guess I was wrong! I had no idea how terrifying and yet how amazing it feels to let someone in. There isn’t one thing I haven’t shared with this man! In fact I haven’t stopped talking since that day he offered his help!

I too wonder sometimes if it’s crazy to get married so fast and yet that’s what makes this so refreshing! We are following our hearts and so far I can’t say I have any regrets! It’s been one hell of an adventure and I’m looking forward to more!

I am Crystal Rae and of all the  names I’ve been called my favorite by far are Mom, Nana and now Mrs. Meuret; wife, best friend and soul mate to James Meuret!