I woke today from another blurred night. Another night of drama and irrational thoughts. Which always amazes me how I can go from confident Crystal Rae to believing I deserve the words and actions of a crazy person. I want to be happy and 90% of the time I am... It's when the darkness starts to fill my head that I suddenly believe every lie that has been told! I am crazy, I am a loser, I am not worthy of being treated with love or respect... I am not...
As I sit here today, I know I am... I am worthy of a life of happiness and I am worth so much! I have amazing children, amazing friends, amazing family and an amazing boyfriend! My life is filled with more laughter than tears and although I'm barely providing for my children... Barely will pass with time! I have goals and dreams and I believe love is not just a four letter word!! I know my weakness is to drift off to the darkness and believe what the lies have to say. I am my own worst enemy! I also know that with time and the support of those that love me most the icky parts of my life won't be my go to point anymore! Why do I share this? Why do I write this today?!?
To simply tell the world and myself that I am okay! I don't have to got this... I don't have to run and hide... I need to open my heart and soul and admit to what I hide! I'm not perfect but who the heck is? I'm a single mom trying my best to undo all I did! Today I celebrated my daughter and her two month old son and tonight I host my sons first co ed party for his 14th birthday! I am doing life and giving it all I got!! I have a roof over my head and am seeking all I sought!! I am broken but who isn't - I'm just tired of the past and focused on the present! I'm just like everyone else... I have issues and problems but I choose to live through them vs hiding and hoping for the best!
To you all that have stood by my side.. I truly thank you as I know this hasn't been an easy ride! To those that judge me and make me me feel weak... I pray for you and hope you find what you seek!
I'm tired, it's been a rough few years but as of today I'm not shedding anymore years! I'm letting go and I'm doing me.... Look out world this girl is finally free!
