What do I want to say today?!? I feel like I have so much rattling through my brain and my heart...
And yet I sit here in silence! My ears listening to the nearby sounds of traffic. My nose smelling the neighbors cooking outside. My eyes watching my dog laying on the porch.
I have struggled for so long with silence. With the thoughts that fill my mind and the darkness that surrounded those thoughts. The struggle to feel what everyone who truly loves me sees that I couldn't or wouldn't! I believed for so long that my life was destined to be chaos based on the choices I've made. As if there was a life reward system for being a good person!!
I'm now finding that I enjoy the silence and my thoughts are no longer surrounded by doom and gloom... I'm waking up smiling and less fearful of what lurks outside my bedroom door! I've always had this ideal life pictured in my mind and when the pieces didn't fit I was lost! I longed for that embrace and words telling me I was okay in order to feel it! At some point, some magical person would come into my life and all the broken pieces would fit and my past pain and struggles would be gone!! I know that sounds silly... But I truly longed for that easy button! I put my hopes and dreams on a shelf and pondered day after day on why so much strangeness fills my life!
Then it hit me.... My life is mine! It's filled with drama and stories I truly couldn't make up if I tried! When I share my stories with my twist of humor... People laugh! My friends look forward to hearing what's going on in my life! I don't know if they walk away with a feeling of... My life could be worse or joy with my flare for story telling and all I put up with in a day!! Regardless, I love sharing my day and my struggles with my friends! I love laughing and discussing how messed up this world is! I can't change the past and I surely don't want it to change me! I'm known for my strength and confidence and I dig that!! I'm also known for matching nail polish, my shoes matching my outfit, getting lost on a one way street and car troubles that are insanely stupid! I dig that so many people know me and laugh about my strange ways! Some call me crazy... Others know that to not be true! What I know is that life is the here and now and the longer I ponder on what I should of, could of, would of done... I missed another day!
I'm happy today, in fact I woke up smiling... Yes, even after a loss to the stupid patriots! I spent an night catching up with good friends and remembering what laughing feels like! I'm not perfect... I'm far from it but I'm pretty darn amazing! I can't say that I will feel this every day but today was good!
I know all of us struggle with demons and wish things were different but the reality is they aren't!! I want to feel okay every day but I also know I won't! So I'm thankful for those that embrace my kind of crazy and actually call to hear about my day and ask how I am! My response will always be okay but I love those that know different! I'm Crystal Rae, perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, me and now you can add broken to the list! My pieces to the puzzle might not fit as the world prefers but I'm okay with that! I'm unique and a catch for not just any man! I want someone who embraces my goals and dreams as well as loving my core!!
So, today I'm okay with the silence and focusing on my dreams! I don't know what the future holds for me but today I'm okay not knowing! I'm learning to love life and rock the now!!
So here's to today and embracing the silence I feared for so long!
I'm Crystal Rae and I'm more right than I'm wrong!
I can't wait for tomorrow and all the adventures I'll have to share!!
As the saying goes.. You get what you get - don't throw a fit and life is not fair!!!
So laugh tonight... Love those that mean so much!! Embrace life and never discount reaching out and sharing your touch! A hug may matter more than you know...
