Even in my silence

What do I want to say today?!? I feel like I have so much rattling through my brain and my heart...
And yet I sit here in silence! My ears listening to the nearby sounds of traffic. My nose smelling the neighbors cooking outside. My eyes watching my dog laying on the porch.

I have struggled for so long with silence. With the thoughts that fill my mind and the darkness that surrounded those thoughts. The struggle to feel what everyone who truly loves me sees that I couldn't or wouldn't! I believed for so long that my life was destined to be chaos based on the choices I've made. As if there was a life reward system for being a good person!!

I'm now finding that I enjoy the silence and my thoughts are no longer surrounded by doom and gloom... I'm waking up smiling and less fearful of what lurks outside my bedroom door! I've always had this ideal life pictured in my mind and when the pieces didn't fit I was lost! I longed for that embrace and words telling me I was okay in order to feel it! At some point, some magical person would come into my life and all the broken pieces would fit and my past pain and struggles would be gone!! I know that sounds silly... But I truly longed for that easy button! I put my hopes and dreams on a shelf and pondered day after day on why so much strangeness fills my life!

Then it hit me.... My life is mine! It's filled with drama and stories I truly couldn't make up if I tried! When I share my stories with my twist of humor... People laugh! My friends look forward to hearing what's going on in my life! I don't know if they walk away with a feeling of... My life could be worse or joy with my flare for story telling and all I put up with in a day!! Regardless, I love sharing my day and my struggles with my friends! I love laughing and discussing how messed up this world is! I can't change the past and I surely don't want it to change me! I'm known for my strength and confidence and I dig that!! I'm also known for matching nail polish, my shoes matching my outfit, getting lost on a one way street and car troubles that are insanely stupid! I dig that so many people know me and laugh about my strange ways! Some call me crazy... Others know that to not be true! What I know is that life is the here and now and the longer I ponder on what I should of, could of, would of done... I missed another day!

I'm happy today, in fact I woke up smiling... Yes, even after a loss to the stupid patriots! I spent an night catching up with good friends and remembering what laughing feels like! I'm not perfect... I'm far from it but I'm pretty darn amazing! I can't say that I will feel this every day but today was good!

I know all of us struggle with demons and wish things were different but the reality is they aren't!! I want to feel okay every day but I also know I won't! So I'm thankful for those that embrace my kind of crazy and actually call to hear about my day and ask how I am! My response will always be okay but I love those that know different! I'm Crystal Rae, perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, me and now you can add broken to the list! My pieces to the puzzle might not fit as the world prefers but I'm okay with that! I'm unique and a catch for not just any man! I want someone who embraces my goals and dreams as well as loving my core!!

So, today I'm okay with the silence and focusing on my dreams! I don't know what the future holds for me but today I'm okay not knowing! I'm learning to love life and rock the now!!

So here's to today and embracing the silence I feared for so long!

I'm Crystal Rae and I'm more right than I'm wrong!

I can't wait for tomorrow and all the adventures I'll have to share!!

As the saying goes.. You get what you get - don't throw a fit and life is not fair!!!

So laugh tonight... Love those that mean so much!! Embrace life and never discount reaching out and sharing your touch! A hug may matter more than you know...

Love at first sight!!

Once again this has been a hard week for me! Not moving stress or having to pay for two locations stress... Or afraid of the dark stress! The deepest form I've ever experienced! My daughter went into labor this week and due to fear of complications she refused to have her water broken! I respected this but after 3 trips to the labor and delivery and hours upon hours of her being in labor without drugs... I questioned her sanity! I admired her strength for an all natural labor but wondered after 24 hours of pain if she would cave.... I also smiled knowing her stubborn attitude came directly from her mama!!! As expected she did give and allow them to do what they had to do...

Out of all things I've experienced in life, I can tell you watching my first child in labor and screaming in pain was the hardest thing I've dealt with! I wanted to make her pain go away but as a mother of three I knew exactly what she was going through and it was the only way!! I rubbed her back and applied cold cloths to her head... It was all I could do...I felt helpless in making her pain easy!

The moment finally came and I assisted with the birth of my grandson.

Up until that moment I stressed how she would do this, how she would pay for everything and how she would follow a better path than I! The moment he was born and on her chest crying.. My perspective changed! He was beautiful and mad at the nurses wiping him off... I stared in awe in the moment without  a tear! I worried for months how she would make it. How she would provide for a baby... But in that moment... It suddenly didn't matter! He was healthy and she was doing well... They stared into each other eyes for 20 mins. He knew his mama and she knew her life was forever changed!

Let's go back in time... Once in my life I was a wife, a mother and a career woman! I struggled with the balances of doing it all ... But I had a purpose... As life went on, I divorced and watched my kids grow with less needs from their mom as before. I was lost for so long... I didn't get this until the birth of my grandson!

He was so handsome and his cries made me want to hold him.... In a instant I was in love! Love at first sight! His forehead wrinkled as he cried and I just wanted to hold him!!! I'm sure the nurse didn't appreciate me rushing her so I could get him in my arms!!!

I balanced spending as much time with my daughter as I could as well as continuing to work and then back to see her after. I was exhausted!! In my tired state I also felt a fire inside that I haven't felt in years! I feel closer to my daughter than ever before and instead of focusing on fears of the future... I was and still am excited! I not only get to watch my daughters next chapter but be by her side while she writes it! I get to watch my children participate in their nephews life! I also have seen a new joy in my family's faces! It's amazing what one little boy has done without even knowing it!

I have a new purpose in life, a new role and a new name!

I am Crystal Rae... Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... Me
and now you can call me grandma!!!

I write all of this with a grin and I can't wait for this next chapter of the book...

His name is Chance Michael and I'm absolutely hooked!!!

All the lights are on

It's a Saturday night and I am once again home alone. I have recently moved into a new home, so all the silence, creaks, and typical house sounds are new to me....

I am afraid!! 

I sit here in my bed wide awake at 1am. I'd like to sleep but with each sound in the night, my heart races. I've played over and over in my mind each possible scenario... Where I hide, how fast I dial 911 and exactly what I say.... Probably not a typical Saturday night for most!!! 

I became a single mom of three at a very young age. I remember sleepless nights longing for silence and peace! Funny, as I sit here tonight with all my kids off doing summer things... I long for the noise! I want to hear Haley's music playing too loud and Jonny yelling at her to turn it down! I want to hear them fight over belongings the other shouldn't have touched. I want to hear my Bana B call me and tell me her and baby Chance are well... I want to hear anything but silence!!

All the lights are on in my home and I still find no comfort. I'm not sure at this point if the sounds are real or If my paranoid spidey senses are playing with my mind! I've never been afraid of the dark but tonight I am!!!! Being alone is hard and letting my mind get the best of me is even worse! I want to be strong, I want to be the independent badass woman who needs no one... As I lay in bed tonight, I would do anything to have company... Someone to tell me it will all be okay!!! 

I spent the day rocking to music and unpacking the rest of my boxes. My brother installed a bolt lock on my door and helped me hang curtains to keep the night shadows out... It felt good! I felt at home and safe! As the sun went down and my neighbors shot off fireworks sending my Bella Roo into a panicked barking rage... My heart beat raced.... The what ifs began and suddenly every noise sent my mind into a whirlwind of fear! How would I protect myself? How would I fight back? How would I ensure my safety.... How??!? 

Each time I tried to sleep, I would focus on my breathing and mental prayers for safety and rest! As I focused I would find I was sleeping but my mind was still awake. I would startle myself with my own snoring! Such a strange thing to be so mentally awake that you hear yourself sleeping!! 

I am simple Crystal Rae and afraid of so much.....

I can't wait for the day that my life isn't such a fearful rush!! 

I'm so tired and yet so focused to do better this time! 

I'm too old to be afraid of the night! 

As I lay in bed with every light on... I pray for my fears to be gone! 

I'm far from perfect but I'm honest and true...

And at 37 years... I lay here waiting for the sunlight to shine through

To wash my fears and all be okay... If only just for a day!!! 

I'm Crystal Rae and I'm afraid of the dark!!  

 

Maybe... Just Maybe...

It's been awhile since I've posted here... 3 years to be exact!

I'm amazed as I read through my previous posts how much has changed and yet how much hasn't!
We all have wants and desires.. To be successful, a good parent, a good spouse... A good person!
What I have learned these past 3 years is that life is too short to be unhappy and yet most are drawn to drama and negativity. Life is hard, there's no arguing that.. But in our hardest moments we find ourselves! By now you know I'm Crystal Rae.. Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... Me! What you may not know is I always put my heart on the line. I do for others as I long to be done for me. When my bucket is empty and I find only a few to help me fill it back up... I feel worthless.
Strange to say as most find me confident and strong.... Turns out in the dark of night.. Not so much!

I am amazing and I do have more strange incidents in my life than most but that's okay! Each moment brings me closer to understanding me! The real me, that is! The one who builds so many walls to let the world believe she's okay! Turns out I'm not okay..  Not okay! I'm rasing my kids alone and living paycheck to paycheck! I don't feel secure in my life and I'm constantly worrying about what's next! Turns out I'm human and living the same life as 80% of Americans! I want happily ever after... The hallmark card relationship! Problem is most at my age have scars and arent willing to unpack with fears of being hurt again! I get it I guess but I'm always so willing to do for others that I also don't understand trust issues or jealousy. So as a woman closer to her 40's than she'll ever admit... What advice do I have tonight??? Love with all your heart... Sing in the shower and of course, dance like no ones watching! Embrace your soul and love your body! Life is simple... It truly is! It's in my moments of fear and darkness that I realize how special I am! I'm one who is known for her honesty and expressing exactly how I feel! I should never feel bad for that!

I find if you focus on all the wrongs in life - you will never truly be happy!

As I write all of this.. I know I'm far from "I got this" but I also know I will always put my heart and soul in all I do! I will never give up and I will always have Disney dreams!

Maybe... Just maybe, my day will finally come! I will feel secure and well with who I am and what I want from life! I won't stop and seek approval or even care what others think!

Maybe... Just maybe, this life of chaos will all make sense and I will continue to laugh the entire way!

Maybe.. Just maybe.. I'll meet the man of my dreams and we will have that life I dream of!

Or maybe, just maybe... It will be okay with or without!!!

I'm Crystal  Rae .. And maybe regardless of all it will be okay and maybe... Just maybe... It was never destined to go my way!

I've got to let go and truly have faith!

And then maybe, just maybe... what's meant to be will fall into place!!!

Get Over It!

I have been called a lot of things in my life some good and some bad.... I can now add "hot mess" to the list! You would think this would be part of the bad section but as I sit here grinning I am adding it to the good section of things to be called! If I am learning anything about myself as I walk this path, it is that I do not do well without sleep!! Pretty sure I have known this all along but for some reason I keep repeating the pattern and learning this over and over again! It's amazing what a good days rest can do for a the tired mind and soul... yes I meant days rest! As I woke from sleeping the majority of my Saturday away walls broke and emotions poured out that I haven't really dealt with in years. I became a "hot mess"! I am certain deep inside there is a part of me that is shaking in disbelief of my thoughts and actions but considering the way I feel today - I am okay with it! I can't move forward if I am not willing share my scars from the past! My outlook is clear today and I am finding that being so hard on myself is only going to leave me miserable and lonely! I am only human and in that I am allowed to make mistakes - aren't we all?? 

As I continue down this path called life I have had several ups and downs. Anyone that truly knows me, knows I do everything on a large scale... go big or go home! So my ups are truly highs and my downs.... well "hot mess".. remember?? It seems in these moments when I am down I hear the same things time and again. I have been told everything will be okay, to let it all out, to forgive myself, to stop being so hard on myself, to put it in gods hands, and that everything happens for a reason. This is all sound advice and seems to work for a second! It wasn't until last night when I was looked straight in the face and told to "get over it" that things suddenly made sense! Get Over it?? Really, just like that? As I sit here laughing, it truly is the best advice of all! So yes, I am going to get over it! 

I am not sure what I was thinking all along.... over thinking that is! I am Crystal Rae... perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, and now a hot mess! Sounds great doesn't it?? I realize in life we all have pain and wounds that take time to heal. That these don't just go away but in the right mindset life can go on! I am looking forward to the future and living life day by day! I am getting over it..... and laughing on my way! It's important to be honest and share how you feel but hiding in the corners of your past just might cause you to miss out on something very real! 

So here I go... moving forward... fingers crossed for the best! 

Today is a new day and my past is finally being laid to rest!

Turn The Page

As I continue on my path in life... my journey... I find things about myself that come to my surprise. I have given up on "The List" or doing my best to try - but what I find is it wasn't this list that was holding me back.... It was my heart! I think every girl and maybe even every guy has the ideal of what happily ever looks like or what they want it to be, but I also think as life goes on and you meet new people, you find they have scars.... Scars that are hard to forget or are afraid to reopen. I find myself on this new path of healthy... working out like crazy and eating all healthy foods (minus last night... I sooo longed for fried food)! I find as much as I physically feel better - my heart and head not so much! So in knowing I am perfectly imperfect and overly emotional - what does this mean? Well.... this means that I have once again come to realization that what I want from life and what I am willing to risk to get it don't go hand in hand!! I am learning that I have built walls of great design and the minute someone begins to break them down I run.....

I am so tired of running but I am also not yet willing to put effort into the beginning - I just want the end! I want to know its right and what is meant to be.... if only life was this simple!

So today my advice for you is to stop thinking... to care deeply for those that care for you and soak in the laughter! Happily ever after is overrated and just plan BS! We all have troubles and we all have things we wish we could redo... so stop thinking of the past and focus on the present.... just live life!!! I am certain if we do so we will make bad choices, but we will also make great ones. We cant determine if someone is meant to be until we try.

I am Crystal Rae and today I turn the page...... another chapter - another thought... the only thing that matters is that I do today with what yesterday I was afraid I sought!!

"The List"

It's amazing how your life can change in an instant. How out of the blue something can turn your life upside down and not for the worse, but for the better. I promised as I went on this journey I would share my ups and downs - insides and outs...

I remember waking at one point in my life with thoughts and predictions on how my life would continue on. On what each detail would look like. I began mentally tracking the details that would most fit into my life. These mental items poured out of me each time I experienced another up or down. A moment of what I didn't want to feel again or on the up, a moment of bliss. These mental thoughts day by day added up and became "The List"!

I think this list made me feel secure and set - you know that feeling you have when you think you know the unknown? I could compare the world, each moment, each experience and mark off the items that worked or didn't. Keep in mind this was all mental so unless you are truly close to me, the list is new to you! My latest obsession is finding my happily after so of course the majority of the list is based on the man of my dreams. The rest is focused on my children, my job, my home, my health, my pets... yes its a long list but I have a great mind and memory...

As each of us move forward in life we all find day to day moments that make us question our thoughts or beliefs. I find myself sitting here tonight typing with great emotion. I find life can be filled with so much happiness and yet still provide a twist that knocks the air out of your chest. So I have a choice... I can sit and ponder on the unfairness of the roller coaster I am currently strapped in OR I can smile and truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That life doesn't have to be the half empty glass, nor does it have to be half full....

What I do know is that I cannot predict my future! I cannot control the  unknown but I can live today! I can start fresh and handle life as it happens. I am a strong person and I know I can handle whatever comes my way. I am Crystal Rae and...... "The List".... no longer exists as of today!!