When I fall in love, I always jump head over heels. I give all of me with out fear. Falling in love is such a great feeling. Like floating on a pink cloud. The sun seems brighter, the sky is a vibrant blue and every song on the radio sings of love and bliss. The heart is such an amazing organ. It gives us life and breathes to our soul. It makes up who we are and how we care for others. Falling for someone and knowing the feelings are mutual is the reason birds sing. Its our nature to be drawn to another human being and long for them to be ours. After all, its how we are taught life is to be. Growing old with your best friend.
I once was told the loudest sound in the world is a heart breaking. When the heart experiences emotions of the unfavorable aspect - it is crushed. The worlds colors seem plain and all the songs on the radio are that of sorrow and demise. Its crazy how the heart not only can change our pulse but our vision. You can stare at someone that used to mean the world to you and in an instant they look, sound and feel different. The bond that tied you and kept you floating is now gone.
Time, space and sound is now quiet and empty.
Then comes a day you hear the birds sing once again but this time you don't just hear them, you watch their movement and take in the colors of their wings. You start to see. The songs on the radio no longer cause pause regardless of the words being sang. You find yourself dancing to the beat at a red light. You walk through the store and no longer feel jealous of couples laughing and walking hand in hand. You begin to check out shirts in your size from the spring collection. You have a moment where life becomes about you and no longer about the goal of finding your soul mate.
Today, was that day for me. It was all different. It wasn't a constant thought on who I want to be or who I wish I was with. It was a day of just being me. Just doing the daily tasks required from an adult world and laughter in between. It was catching up with friends and sharing my latest stories.
I never thought I would be a person who was content walking through life alone. It always caused me fear thinking I would never find Mr. right but today was very different. Today, regardless of all the drama and years of attachment... there was silence in my heart. It was beating as it should for the purpose of keeping me alive.
As I continue down this path called life... I will remember my heart and how it feels to love and be loved. I will also remember todays silence and how it felt fine. I will continue to work on being a better me for me. I will take in the sun, the sky and the birds each day. Just to keep reminding myself that I am really ok.
I am Crystal Rae... perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, stubborn and now you can add patient to the list. I have a heart of gold and for that I will always be blessed. Its just now time to let my brain do the driving at let the emotions of my heart rest.
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
With A Cold Heart
If someone would have told me I would be 38 years old typing on my laptop in a room at my grandparents house, kids almost grown, my dog passed away, no car, and working in a heavy duty truck salvage yard.. I would have never believed it. Up until today, I have believed I was jinxed and that I always got the raw end of the deal.
I see now, clearer than ever before that every decision and every path I have gone down has been based on the decisions I have made. I know most of you are in shock as that is a typical adult thing to know. My problem is I have also focused on the image in my head society has told me the way things should be. I now understand that I have experienced so many downs in my life that I am afraid of the ups. I am always waiting for something to go wrong and when things don't, I have to run or end things to ensure I am protected from something that might happen years down the road. I don't blame myself for this. I think people deal differently and my way of dealing or not dealing could be much worse. In fact, I am happy I am now fully aware of this about myself. It helps me to grow and look for patterns to better understand myself. The part I am not happy about is that this protection mode has hurt many in my path. Most that don't understand or deserve the unnecessary drama.
I always thought I had to have someone by my side for the future. I see now that I will never have someone who adores me if I don't set the standard high enough to allow that... as well as love myself first. Happiness has got to come from within me before I will ever be compatible to ever possibly marry again. I am sad that it has taken me so many years to value me. Flaws and all. I have always put everyone else before myself and I no longer am. I am going to speak what is on my mind and try and get through life with a smile on my face. I may not have good days every day but not every day has to be bad. I always feared growing old alone. Although, something I would prefer to not have to experience, today I am good with it. If my heart and soul is so jaded that I am unable of trusting enough to give my all... why would I continue to try and hurt those in my path? Why would I put myself in situations to love someone if I am not yet capable of loving myself?
I know before I said no more lists but as of tonight I have a new list... This time not all the things I want to find in a partner but all the things I want to see, do and accomplish in my life. A list that doesn't require feedback from family, friends, etc. A list that is mine to own and feel good about.
Life doesn't always lead us down a path we expect. Life is always throwing curve balls... I have just decided that as I learn myself and what I truly want out of life.. I am not allowing outside voices to halt my growth.
Some will say I am cold hearted and have no compassion... others will say... do you! I say, I am tired of listening to what everyone has to say about me and I am giving my all to me... for once. When my day on this earth is done - you wont hear what my heart and mind felt. The things I heard and seen... You will hear all the reasons why I didn't blend with society. I'm good with that
So here's to another tomorrow and another path on my own. My heart may be cold and my mind may push everyone away... but tomorrow... I look in the mirror and do things my way!
No more being driven by what everyone else has to say...
I am perfectly imperfect, stubborn, simple, hot mess Crystal Rae and now I am learning to love myself each and every day!
I see now, clearer than ever before that every decision and every path I have gone down has been based on the decisions I have made. I know most of you are in shock as that is a typical adult thing to know. My problem is I have also focused on the image in my head society has told me the way things should be. I now understand that I have experienced so many downs in my life that I am afraid of the ups. I am always waiting for something to go wrong and when things don't, I have to run or end things to ensure I am protected from something that might happen years down the road. I don't blame myself for this. I think people deal differently and my way of dealing or not dealing could be much worse. In fact, I am happy I am now fully aware of this about myself. It helps me to grow and look for patterns to better understand myself. The part I am not happy about is that this protection mode has hurt many in my path. Most that don't understand or deserve the unnecessary drama.
I always thought I had to have someone by my side for the future. I see now that I will never have someone who adores me if I don't set the standard high enough to allow that... as well as love myself first. Happiness has got to come from within me before I will ever be compatible to ever possibly marry again. I am sad that it has taken me so many years to value me. Flaws and all. I have always put everyone else before myself and I no longer am. I am going to speak what is on my mind and try and get through life with a smile on my face. I may not have good days every day but not every day has to be bad. I always feared growing old alone. Although, something I would prefer to not have to experience, today I am good with it. If my heart and soul is so jaded that I am unable of trusting enough to give my all... why would I continue to try and hurt those in my path? Why would I put myself in situations to love someone if I am not yet capable of loving myself?
I know before I said no more lists but as of tonight I have a new list... This time not all the things I want to find in a partner but all the things I want to see, do and accomplish in my life. A list that doesn't require feedback from family, friends, etc. A list that is mine to own and feel good about.
Life doesn't always lead us down a path we expect. Life is always throwing curve balls... I have just decided that as I learn myself and what I truly want out of life.. I am not allowing outside voices to halt my growth.
Some will say I am cold hearted and have no compassion... others will say... do you! I say, I am tired of listening to what everyone has to say about me and I am giving my all to me... for once. When my day on this earth is done - you wont hear what my heart and mind felt. The things I heard and seen... You will hear all the reasons why I didn't blend with society. I'm good with that
So here's to another tomorrow and another path on my own. My heart may be cold and my mind may push everyone away... but tomorrow... I look in the mirror and do things my way!
No more being driven by what everyone else has to say...
I am perfectly imperfect, stubborn, simple, hot mess Crystal Rae and now I am learning to love myself each and every day!
Monday, January 23, 2017
It's Been Awhile
Tonight, while driving my daughter and her son home... it occurred to me how distant we have become. A child I cared for so many years had nothing to say to me on the drive home. I wanted her to know how much I have missed her. How much I long for the relationship we once had. She is a strong woman and her son loves her dearly... but I miss the days of caring for her needs and wants. This made me realize the relationship I once had with my own mother. In a day 2-3 phone conversations was a normal. As time went on, I sought to find myself and in that path... I left so many behind. I didn't do so to hurt others. I did so to protect myself. I don't think I ever thought of my path as selfish, but tonight it feels that way. My kids cant help my marriage ended or the struggles I would face as a single mom. I always thought I did the best I could but tonight I feel like I could have done better. As parents, we do not get time for a break or for a break down at that matter. We are to do our jobs day in and day out regardless. I didn't focus on the regardless... I focused on myself. I really thought in the moment I was doing best for my children, but I see much differently now.
As I sit here living in my grandparents home and dealing with real life live or die conversations, I realize how much more I wish I did. I am proud of my children for who they are all that they have become. As they do there thing and "grow up" I miss them dearly. I miss having to dress them and care for them on so many levels.. I only hope I taught them right from wrong, compassion and respect. I hope regardless of the path I was on that they know I love them with all my heart. I also hope with this mind set that I can see what pain I must have caused my family members by going on my own. We often think we are doing best for others by not being selfish but forget what a void feels like. Even if we may not agree with the decisions others have made, we have to know the human spirit needs people. People who have judged us, walked on us and also been there when others haven't. Life isn't perfect and neither are people... but the minute we close the doors to those we love the most... is the day we hurt others without knowing. I know... I miss my children on so many levels. Even though I see most of them every day... its a different level. I am their mom but I am no longer the mom. They don't need me to make life decisions or tell them what to wear. In fact, I am sure they would wear the opposite of what I told them.
If I could do this all over I would - As I am sure most of us would. I know in my heart I gave my all... whatever depression capacity allowed me. I know that at the end of the day I would do for my kids before myself...
I write this message to say... love with all of you... every day. Don't be let down by judgement or ill feelings of yourself. Forgive but don't forget. Let life remind you of your struggles and strengths. I have been through so much the last few years. It makes you realize what is important and what isn't. I thought I could wait for my kids to grow up and see what I have dealt with... now I wish they weren't older and still naïve to the world. Adulting is so overrated.
So, my children if you are reading this... I love you with all my heart! I'm truly sorry for they things that didn't go right but am so glad you were all by my side as a family when it didn't. I truly hope I gave you enough to be you and follow the rules of the world. Yet, also courage to take it by storm. You are only limited by your mind. Dream big! To my family if you are reading this... I am sorry I went distant. Sometimes we have to go dark to better Its so easy to judge and make life decisions from the corner. Its hard to know at the end of the day that those decisions were wrong.
If I could do it all over again... I would still love with all of my being and believe in happily ever after. I would still cry at movies and blush with jokes. I would still recall childhood memories
So, I'm Crystal Rae, Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... me... miss all those that used to be important to me. Tomorrow's a new day... and I'm already set to start making calls that don't mean much yet. In time they will and reconnections are a must. Life is too short to let it all fade to dust!
LOVE with all of you... today and tomorrow. Life is too short to be filled with any sorrow..
As I sit here living in my grandparents home and dealing with real life live or die conversations, I realize how much more I wish I did. I am proud of my children for who they are all that they have become. As they do there thing and "grow up" I miss them dearly. I miss having to dress them and care for them on so many levels.. I only hope I taught them right from wrong, compassion and respect. I hope regardless of the path I was on that they know I love them with all my heart. I also hope with this mind set that I can see what pain I must have caused my family members by going on my own. We often think we are doing best for others by not being selfish but forget what a void feels like. Even if we may not agree with the decisions others have made, we have to know the human spirit needs people. People who have judged us, walked on us and also been there when others haven't. Life isn't perfect and neither are people... but the minute we close the doors to those we love the most... is the day we hurt others without knowing. I know... I miss my children on so many levels. Even though I see most of them every day... its a different level. I am their mom but I am no longer the mom. They don't need me to make life decisions or tell them what to wear. In fact, I am sure they would wear the opposite of what I told them.
If I could do this all over I would - As I am sure most of us would. I know in my heart I gave my all... whatever depression capacity allowed me. I know that at the end of the day I would do for my kids before myself...
I write this message to say... love with all of you... every day. Don't be let down by judgement or ill feelings of yourself. Forgive but don't forget. Let life remind you of your struggles and strengths. I have been through so much the last few years. It makes you realize what is important and what isn't. I thought I could wait for my kids to grow up and see what I have dealt with... now I wish they weren't older and still naïve to the world. Adulting is so overrated.
So, my children if you are reading this... I love you with all my heart! I'm truly sorry for they things that didn't go right but am so glad you were all by my side as a family when it didn't. I truly hope I gave you enough to be you and follow the rules of the world. Yet, also courage to take it by storm. You are only limited by your mind. Dream big! To my family if you are reading this... I am sorry I went distant. Sometimes we have to go dark to better Its so easy to judge and make life decisions from the corner. Its hard to know at the end of the day that those decisions were wrong.
If I could do it all over again... I would still love with all of my being and believe in happily ever after. I would still cry at movies and blush with jokes. I would still recall childhood memories
So, I'm Crystal Rae, Perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess... me... miss all those that used to be important to me. Tomorrow's a new day... and I'm already set to start making calls that don't mean much yet. In time they will and reconnections are a must. Life is too short to let it all fade to dust!
LOVE with all of you... today and tomorrow. Life is too short to be filled with any sorrow..
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
It is what it is...
Many have no clue the darkness I live in. The guilt and expectations I put myself through. I want to be happy, I want structure and to feel okay. It's been years now since I've felt that way! I'm tired beyond tired and so ungrateful for my struggles. I want the happily after married life with 2.3 kids and a white picket fence. My life is far from that!
I hate the saying it is what it is... But truly that is the motto of my life. I want to let family and friends in but I shut everyone out. I'm afraid of what people will think if they knew the real me. So i sit in my room alone. I hide from what I can to make it another day. My nights are dark. I don't say that to scare... I say that with an attitude of being afraid every day! I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of not being a good example for my children and I'm afraid of doing this everyday.
I've tried therapy and my issues of being left behind run deep. I'm afraid of dropping my walls but once I do I run... If I leave first it won't hurt so much.
Do you know what it feels like to look in a mirror and say this is it? This is my life. My choices, my path and yet be so disgusted by it all?
I have friends struggling with cancer and deaths of loved ones that make me feel so heartless as my struggles are first world problems but to me they are real!
I feel crazy.... I feel alone and although I know I matter ... I struggle with caring about that!
I'm a person with such a good heart - why am I laying awake at night worrying about caring for my children and paying bills I can't afford?
What is my purpose in this life?
I hate that I hate
I want to be "normal" but I'm not
I want to have my life together and feel happy for all I've done
I'm crazy and emotional and so far beyond my age
I wish life wasn't so complicated and displayed
Love me for who I am and reach out with encouraging words
I'm sinking and envious of the birds
With wings to fly and see the world above
I'm so broken with a soul looking to love
I'm tired of fighting and having to be strong
One day my life won't feel so wrong!
So here's to all of you struggling in some way
It is what it is... Today
I hate the saying it is what it is... But truly that is the motto of my life. I want to let family and friends in but I shut everyone out. I'm afraid of what people will think if they knew the real me. So i sit in my room alone. I hide from what I can to make it another day. My nights are dark. I don't say that to scare... I say that with an attitude of being afraid every day! I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of not being a good example for my children and I'm afraid of doing this everyday.
I've tried therapy and my issues of being left behind run deep. I'm afraid of dropping my walls but once I do I run... If I leave first it won't hurt so much.
Do you know what it feels like to look in a mirror and say this is it? This is my life. My choices, my path and yet be so disgusted by it all?
I have friends struggling with cancer and deaths of loved ones that make me feel so heartless as my struggles are first world problems but to me they are real!
I feel crazy.... I feel alone and although I know I matter ... I struggle with caring about that!
I'm a person with such a good heart - why am I laying awake at night worrying about caring for my children and paying bills I can't afford?
What is my purpose in this life?
I hate that I hate
I want to be "normal" but I'm not
I want to have my life together and feel happy for all I've done
I'm crazy and emotional and so far beyond my age
I wish life wasn't so complicated and displayed
Love me for who I am and reach out with encouraging words
I'm sinking and envious of the birds
With wings to fly and see the world above
I'm so broken with a soul looking to love
I'm tired of fighting and having to be strong
One day my life won't feel so wrong!
So here's to all of you struggling in some way
It is what it is... Today
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Finally free
I woke today from another blurred night. Another night of drama and irrational thoughts. Which always amazes me how I can go from confident Crystal Rae to believing I deserve the words and actions of a crazy person. I want to be happy and 90% of the time I am... It's when the darkness starts to fill my head that I suddenly believe every lie that has been told! I am crazy, I am a loser, I am not worthy of being treated with love or respect... I am not...
As I sit here today, I know I am... I am worthy of a life of happiness and I am worth so much! I have amazing children, amazing friends, amazing family and an amazing boyfriend! My life is filled with more laughter than tears and although I'm barely providing for my children... Barely will pass with time! I have goals and dreams and I believe love is not just a four letter word!! I know my weakness is to drift off to the darkness and believe what the lies have to say. I am my own worst enemy! I also know that with time and the support of those that love me most the icky parts of my life won't be my go to point anymore! Why do I share this? Why do I write this today?!?
To simply tell the world and myself that I am okay! I don't have to got this... I don't have to run and hide... I need to open my heart and soul and admit to what I hide! I'm not perfect but who the heck is? I'm a single mom trying my best to undo all I did! Today I celebrated my daughter and her two month old son and tonight I host my sons first co ed party for his 14th birthday! I am doing life and giving it all I got!! I have a roof over my head and am seeking all I sought!! I am broken but who isn't - I'm just tired of the past and focused on the present! I'm just like everyone else... I have issues and problems but I choose to live through them vs hiding and hoping for the best!
To you all that have stood by my side.. I truly thank you as I know this hasn't been an easy ride! To those that judge me and make me me feel weak... I pray for you and hope you find what you seek!
I'm tired, it's been a rough few years but as of today I'm not shedding anymore years! I'm letting go and I'm doing me.... Look out world this girl is finally free!
As I sit here today, I know I am... I am worthy of a life of happiness and I am worth so much! I have amazing children, amazing friends, amazing family and an amazing boyfriend! My life is filled with more laughter than tears and although I'm barely providing for my children... Barely will pass with time! I have goals and dreams and I believe love is not just a four letter word!! I know my weakness is to drift off to the darkness and believe what the lies have to say. I am my own worst enemy! I also know that with time and the support of those that love me most the icky parts of my life won't be my go to point anymore! Why do I share this? Why do I write this today?!?
To simply tell the world and myself that I am okay! I don't have to got this... I don't have to run and hide... I need to open my heart and soul and admit to what I hide! I'm not perfect but who the heck is? I'm a single mom trying my best to undo all I did! Today I celebrated my daughter and her two month old son and tonight I host my sons first co ed party for his 14th birthday! I am doing life and giving it all I got!! I have a roof over my head and am seeking all I sought!! I am broken but who isn't - I'm just tired of the past and focused on the present! I'm just like everyone else... I have issues and problems but I choose to live through them vs hiding and hoping for the best!
To you all that have stood by my side.. I truly thank you as I know this hasn't been an easy ride! To those that judge me and make me me feel weak... I pray for you and hope you find what you seek!
I'm tired, it's been a rough few years but as of today I'm not shedding anymore years! I'm letting go and I'm doing me.... Look out world this girl is finally free!
Monday, October 12, 2015
All Before The Sun Came Up!!
I woke this morning with a strange glow and a cheesy smile
on my face. Such a foreign feeling for a Monday morning! I am not a morning
person. I drag myself out of bed at the last possible minute and rush to make
it to work on time. The guys at work always tease me about my 8:06 am starting
time!
Today, felt different…. This whole week actually… a constant and I don’t want it to end!
It was in that moment that I once again was reminded of the power of prayer. The power of faith…
Just a smiling me who is thankful for the power of prayer and all that is happening in my life.
This morning, I rolled out of bed before my alarm went off!
WHAT??!? I know right? Not something that I can say typically happens on a
weekday!!
Today, felt different…. This whole week actually… a constant and I don’t want it to end!
My son had his last football game this weekend. I enjoy football
and even more when my son’s playing. He played offense part of the game and I
proudly cheered him on with his total of 70 yards throughout the game! The best
part of this Saturday afternoon were the people by my side. My BF aka my soul sister
and her wonderful children cheering on Lockwood as they shared sunflower seeds and
candy with my beautiful daughter. My brother and his adorable son…. I always
love catching up with him and kissing on my nephew! My dad, who proudly gave me
thumbs up with each play Jonny had possession of the ball…. Annnd a tall
handsome gentleman, who I proudly call my boyfriend, standing hand in hand with
me regardless of the blistering heat!! An amazing man who didn’t even flinch to
spend his birthday hanging out with my family and me cheering the afternoon
away!
It was in that moment that I once again was reminded of the power of prayer. The power of faith…
I spend so much of my time worrying and stressing over
things out of my control. Crazy, as I look at the past few years of my life,
everything has worked out for the better! Every one of my life changing moments
pushed me to my knees and in return he showed me patience and a better path
through my prayer! His path… not mine!
I am now at a point in my life where I am no longer hiding
behind my bedroom door. I am less afraid and anxious about leaving my home. I
have a relationship with my baby girl that I thought would never be possible. I
thoroughly enjoy our daily talks and laughs. I am watching my son grow into a
young adult and am learning all the right lingo to say… totally Rad! Haha! I
still have my struggles in learning to let my oldest baby girl live on her own but
I am certain with time and continued prayer our connection will be stronger
than ever before!
As of today, there are no more stereotypical names for me…
No more perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess,
broken me! Just a smiling me who is thankful for the power of prayer and all that is happening in my life.
To open my eyes each morning, happy, healthy and enjoying
all the simple things most take for granted.
I am Crystal Rae and my advice for you today… right, wrong,
up, down, inside or out...
PRAY
Friday, September 11, 2015
Even in my silence
What do I want to say today?!? I feel like I have so much rattling through my brain and my heart...
And yet I sit here in silence! My ears listening to the nearby sounds of traffic. My nose smelling the neighbors cooking outside. My eyes watching my dog laying on the porch.
I have struggled for so long with silence. With the thoughts that fill my mind and the darkness that surrounded those thoughts. The struggle to feel what everyone who truly loves me sees that I couldn't or wouldn't! I believed for so long that my life was destined to be chaos based on the choices I've made. As if there was a life reward system for being a good person!!
I'm now finding that I enjoy the silence and my thoughts are no longer surrounded by doom and gloom... I'm waking up smiling and less fearful of what lurks outside my bedroom door! I've always had this ideal life pictured in my mind and when the pieces didn't fit I was lost! I longed for that embrace and words telling me I was okay in order to feel it! At some point, some magical person would come into my life and all the broken pieces would fit and my past pain and struggles would be gone!! I know that sounds silly... But I truly longed for that easy button! I put my hopes and dreams on a shelf and pondered day after day on why so much strangeness fills my life!
Then it hit me.... My life is mine! It's filled with drama and stories I truly couldn't make up if I tried! When I share my stories with my twist of humor... People laugh! My friends look forward to hearing what's going on in my life! I don't know if they walk away with a feeling of... My life could be worse or joy with my flare for story telling and all I put up with in a day!! Regardless, I love sharing my day and my struggles with my friends! I love laughing and discussing how messed up this world is! I can't change the past and I surely don't want it to change me! I'm known for my strength and confidence and I dig that!! I'm also known for matching nail polish, my shoes matching my outfit, getting lost on a one way street and car troubles that are insanely stupid! I dig that so many people know me and laugh about my strange ways! Some call me crazy... Others know that to not be true! What I know is that life is the here and now and the longer I ponder on what I should of, could of, would of done... I missed another day!
I'm happy today, in fact I woke up smiling... Yes, even after a loss to the stupid patriots! I spent an night catching up with good friends and remembering what laughing feels like! I'm not perfect... I'm far from it but I'm pretty darn amazing! I can't say that I will feel this every day but today was good!
I know all of us struggle with demons and wish things were different but the reality is they aren't!! I want to feel okay every day but I also know I won't! So I'm thankful for those that embrace my kind of crazy and actually call to hear about my day and ask how I am! My response will always be okay but I love those that know different! I'm Crystal Rae, perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, me and now you can add broken to the list! My pieces to the puzzle might not fit as the world prefers but I'm okay with that! I'm unique and a catch for not just any man! I want someone who embraces my goals and dreams as well as loving my core!!
So, today I'm okay with the silence and focusing on my dreams! I don't know what the future holds for me but today I'm okay not knowing! I'm learning to love life and rock the now!!
So here's to today and embracing the silence I feared for so long!
I'm Crystal Rae and I'm more right than I'm wrong!
I can't wait for tomorrow and all the adventures I'll have to share!!
As the saying goes.. You get what you get - don't throw a fit and life is not fair!!!
So laugh tonight... Love those that mean so much!! Embrace life and never discount reaching out and sharing your touch! A hug may matter more than you know...
And yet I sit here in silence! My ears listening to the nearby sounds of traffic. My nose smelling the neighbors cooking outside. My eyes watching my dog laying on the porch.
I have struggled for so long with silence. With the thoughts that fill my mind and the darkness that surrounded those thoughts. The struggle to feel what everyone who truly loves me sees that I couldn't or wouldn't! I believed for so long that my life was destined to be chaos based on the choices I've made. As if there was a life reward system for being a good person!!
I'm now finding that I enjoy the silence and my thoughts are no longer surrounded by doom and gloom... I'm waking up smiling and less fearful of what lurks outside my bedroom door! I've always had this ideal life pictured in my mind and when the pieces didn't fit I was lost! I longed for that embrace and words telling me I was okay in order to feel it! At some point, some magical person would come into my life and all the broken pieces would fit and my past pain and struggles would be gone!! I know that sounds silly... But I truly longed for that easy button! I put my hopes and dreams on a shelf and pondered day after day on why so much strangeness fills my life!
Then it hit me.... My life is mine! It's filled with drama and stories I truly couldn't make up if I tried! When I share my stories with my twist of humor... People laugh! My friends look forward to hearing what's going on in my life! I don't know if they walk away with a feeling of... My life could be worse or joy with my flare for story telling and all I put up with in a day!! Regardless, I love sharing my day and my struggles with my friends! I love laughing and discussing how messed up this world is! I can't change the past and I surely don't want it to change me! I'm known for my strength and confidence and I dig that!! I'm also known for matching nail polish, my shoes matching my outfit, getting lost on a one way street and car troubles that are insanely stupid! I dig that so many people know me and laugh about my strange ways! Some call me crazy... Others know that to not be true! What I know is that life is the here and now and the longer I ponder on what I should of, could of, would of done... I missed another day!
I'm happy today, in fact I woke up smiling... Yes, even after a loss to the stupid patriots! I spent an night catching up with good friends and remembering what laughing feels like! I'm not perfect... I'm far from it but I'm pretty darn amazing! I can't say that I will feel this every day but today was good!
I know all of us struggle with demons and wish things were different but the reality is they aren't!! I want to feel okay every day but I also know I won't! So I'm thankful for those that embrace my kind of crazy and actually call to hear about my day and ask how I am! My response will always be okay but I love those that know different! I'm Crystal Rae, perfectly imperfect, overly emotional, hot mess, me and now you can add broken to the list! My pieces to the puzzle might not fit as the world prefers but I'm okay with that! I'm unique and a catch for not just any man! I want someone who embraces my goals and dreams as well as loving my core!!
So, today I'm okay with the silence and focusing on my dreams! I don't know what the future holds for me but today I'm okay not knowing! I'm learning to love life and rock the now!!
So here's to today and embracing the silence I feared for so long!
I'm Crystal Rae and I'm more right than I'm wrong!
I can't wait for tomorrow and all the adventures I'll have to share!!
As the saying goes.. You get what you get - don't throw a fit and life is not fair!!!
So laugh tonight... Love those that mean so much!! Embrace life and never discount reaching out and sharing your touch! A hug may matter more than you know...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)